My depression has gotten better, still a working progress. This week accidentally showed up to therapy on the wrong day. Turned out to be a good thing because I got 2 sessions.
I usually set new resolutions every year but this time I want to concentrate on all the god I did. Going back to school, sticking I out an not dropping out. No matter how stressed I became, dropping out was never an option. If I was going to flunk I was going to earn it ha-ha just kidding. Next semester I'll be taking English, Study skills and a Salsa class. Something to help me loose weight and fun. I cant wait to be busy. I have a craving for being productive.
I still cant believe that its almost 2016. And I'm sitting in front of my lap top crying because I've finally accepted that Feo will no longer be part of my life. That is the hardest part of this post. Admitting to myself that you are bad news. I hate to admit it but you did played me. I fell for it because I did fall in love. I've spent the last 2 and a half years thinking about you. you wont come looking for me and I pray that you don't but if you do I have blocked everything! My goal for life is to be happy. If you are in it you will eventually drag me down with you and I love myself too much to allow you to do that. My heart feels heavy, sore and like its being stabbed by a million pins all at once. Even through all that pain, thank you for all the good memories.
(Moonshine Is snoring on my bed)
Happy New year to all of you!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
December 16, 2015
I know its been a couple weeks since I've posted. I've been a bit sad lately. I didn't think much of it first but last week it got to the point that I was crying in my car during my lunch. I was forgetting to even eat. That might be hard for anyone to believe due to my weight but it happened.
The last couple weeks of school were a bit hard but I got through it. I cant wait for next semester to start I'm thinking about adding an extra class maybe a dancing class. I need to do something for myself I need a positive outlet. It will also help with my weight loss. I had my follow up doctor appointment today. The results for my blood work and ultrasound came in. Turns out that I have PCOS as predicted. Mostly due to my weight, I guess its finally catching up to me. I hadn't menstruated since October of 2014. I had the delight of finally getting my period, which felt so weird! It was like my first period all over again. I had forgotten how much your body goes through in those couple days. I was prescribed Metformin HCL to help with the weight loss and I have to cut put carbs and exercise everyday. I've already started looking up recipes online. Basically I'm going to be eating chicken, meat, fish and green veggies.
Yesterday when I went to therapy and was explaining how I felt to Yasmin she let me know I was depressed again. I mean last time I was depressed I understood it a bit better because it was after the break up. This time it kind of just snuck up on me I didn't expect it at all. The thing that kind of started this whole thing was what my dad told me back in September. Then my mom hasn't been too helpful with her comments either. Some weeks ago she said that I wasn't doing anything and that I'm moving too slow. I just stayed quiet and thought to myself, I work full time and go to school how is that not doing anything? I guess I'm not following her cultural expectation of being a woman. As much as she says that's hes open minded she is still very cultural in many ways.
I have noticed some cultural diffrences between mysef and my immediate family. I know that sounds weird. For example El Terco added my painting on a t shirt and a hat. He said he was starting a clothing line with my face on it. I am flattered but to me its a reminder of the pain I may be causing him by not loving him back. Some days after he told me I asked if I was able to buy a shirt of him he mentioned I was being rude and that there is a certain way to ask fo things. I asked how I should say it, he said "Hola amigito como estas?" (hello buddy how are you) When I speak Spanish I never use that word. So if I'm forcing myself to talk that way it makes me feel fake. And I don't like that at all. I told him that I was sorry bothered him and let it go. I spoke to my mom about it and she said the he wants me to be a kiss ass. Last week my mom and my sister in law were texting, my mom shared what she was telling her and the were talking the way that El Terco wanted to speak. So I asked why do people from Mexico speak that way because I know I don't do that. Its not a bad thing. The more I go to therapy and work on finding myself the more I stick out in situatosn like this. Just this last week I was told that therapy is white people shit. Its so hard to even explain to the those around me. All I want to do is help but it looks like I have to just keep my opinions to myself and that's very hard to do these days since I have so many.
The other thing that has heped with my lovely depression is lack of sleep. I started monitoring it and on average I have 5-6 hour on week nights. Yasmin advised to sleep 7-8 hours a night. Something that I am working on. Now that I have started my new medication I actually have to eat 3 times a day. I never though that Feo would be the person that I could relate to the most. I really feel like I don't have friends. Hes the one that really understands how lonely it is. I think that why we still keep in touch.
Well that's enough for tonight I will force myself to keep writing.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Adult Friends
I've ever been all hat good at making friends. In grade school it was easier. I was usually in classes with the same groups of people and we all kind of knew each other. When you spend enough time around people you start to talk and socialize, its in our nature. After high school I kept in touch with a selective group of friends. As the drama unfold back in those Myspace days. Many girls came and went through our group. It some how always ended up being the original set of girls.
Fast forward some 6-7 years later to my mid 20's. My social network ( the real life kind) became work. I don't feel very comfortable getting too close to people at work now. I rather be cool and keep a distance than have drama at work. Although I have met some awesome people at previous jobs that I still keep in touch with.
After being at my current job for 3 years now, I realized that they are the people I spent the most time with. I had mentioned in a previous post this was also another reason I wanted to start school. To socialize with new people with hopefully some similar interests. In my psychology class I chose to sit upfront because I cant see far at that well and luckily the girls in that section turned out to be super cool. There's a total of 4 of us they are is 18, 20 and 28. I know it might sound a bit lame but when we exchanged phone numbers some weeks ago, I was so happy and exited. We had a small study session the week after that and I came to realize that most of us are struggling through something in our lives at the moment but what I really liked about these girls was the way the chose to deal with their hardships. It wasn't by doing drugs or drinking. They chose to keep busy with school, a positive outlet. It made me feel so normal. They aren't about partying and going to bars, not that there's anything wrong with that but its just not my thing anymore. Even if I don't keep in tough with this new network of people I makes me hopeful about future classes and the new people I will keep meeting each semester. It will be pretty cool if I run into them years down the line or I can help hem in anyway once I have my career.
Even though I complain about being tired and how much homework I have. I am addicted to school and learning. I am really enjoying having something that keeps me not just busy but in a productive positive way. And that's just my Psychology Class. I just came home from a mini study session with one of the girls in my Women Studies class. That's pretty much hat has been going on with me lately. oh and I have a "date" next week even though I kind of don't look at it that way. Les see how that goes.
Good night and thank you for reading my blog!
Fast forward some 6-7 years later to my mid 20's. My social network ( the real life kind) became work. I don't feel very comfortable getting too close to people at work now. I rather be cool and keep a distance than have drama at work. Although I have met some awesome people at previous jobs that I still keep in touch with.
After being at my current job for 3 years now, I realized that they are the people I spent the most time with. I had mentioned in a previous post this was also another reason I wanted to start school. To socialize with new people with hopefully some similar interests. In my psychology class I chose to sit upfront because I cant see far at that well and luckily the girls in that section turned out to be super cool. There's a total of 4 of us they are is 18, 20 and 28. I know it might sound a bit lame but when we exchanged phone numbers some weeks ago, I was so happy and exited. We had a small study session the week after that and I came to realize that most of us are struggling through something in our lives at the moment but what I really liked about these girls was the way the chose to deal with their hardships. It wasn't by doing drugs or drinking. They chose to keep busy with school, a positive outlet. It made me feel so normal. They aren't about partying and going to bars, not that there's anything wrong with that but its just not my thing anymore. Even if I don't keep in tough with this new network of people I makes me hopeful about future classes and the new people I will keep meeting each semester. It will be pretty cool if I run into them years down the line or I can help hem in anyway once I have my career.
Even though I complain about being tired and how much homework I have. I am addicted to school and learning. I am really enjoying having something that keeps me not just busy but in a productive positive way. And that's just my Psychology Class. I just came home from a mini study session with one of the girls in my Women Studies class. That's pretty much hat has been going on with me lately. oh and I have a "date" next week even though I kind of don't look at it that way. Les see how that goes.
Good night and thank you for reading my blog!
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
2002
Dear 13 Year Old Dennise,
Lets see its about 6:00 pm on a Wednesday. You probably didn't go to school again. Just the thought of going to school gives you knots in your stomach until you throw up. This will continue until you drop out of high school in 2007. Don't worry so much abut things that you cant change. I know that you have this urge to help people but first you have to be able to help yourself. I'm not here to tell you how crappy it will be, I'm here to give you some advice.
Stop over eating and talk to someone. Read more and go to school! You are not ugly, you have so much beauty within which matters s much more. Sorry you didn't have an older sister that was there to help you with your hair and make up. Don't be scared of what people think of you. Stay true for yourself. You should probably watch less TV because its filled with evil commercials! Deep down inside you've always known that you are meant for something great, never forget that!
The one that u will connect the most after "growing up" is your brother. Mom and Dad will speak to each other like old friends, this will take some years. There is so much you have left to experience. Your first true love will come at age 24 during summer. Keep in mind that you don't need a mans approval to feel good about yourself. Learning is the only way you will be able to weed out bed men. You will make great friends during high school even though you may have some bumps down the road they will be there for you.
Your anxiety and depression will peak in your ate teens but once you start going to therapy you will be able to control it.
Love,
26 Year Old Dennise
Lets see its about 6:00 pm on a Wednesday. You probably didn't go to school again. Just the thought of going to school gives you knots in your stomach until you throw up. This will continue until you drop out of high school in 2007. Don't worry so much abut things that you cant change. I know that you have this urge to help people but first you have to be able to help yourself. I'm not here to tell you how crappy it will be, I'm here to give you some advice.
Stop over eating and talk to someone. Read more and go to school! You are not ugly, you have so much beauty within which matters s much more. Sorry you didn't have an older sister that was there to help you with your hair and make up. Don't be scared of what people think of you. Stay true for yourself. You should probably watch less TV because its filled with evil commercials! Deep down inside you've always known that you are meant for something great, never forget that!
The one that u will connect the most after "growing up" is your brother. Mom and Dad will speak to each other like old friends, this will take some years. There is so much you have left to experience. Your first true love will come at age 24 during summer. Keep in mind that you don't need a mans approval to feel good about yourself. Learning is the only way you will be able to weed out bed men. You will make great friends during high school even though you may have some bumps down the road they will be there for you.
Your anxiety and depression will peak in your ate teens but once you start going to therapy you will be able to control it.
Love,
26 Year Old Dennise
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Meme Lingo
Something that has been on my radar for the last couple months has been social media and how it affects our language. I am very active on social media, I have about 5 social media accounts that I check on a daily basis. I like that I can see random people's lives and see what they are doing at that exact moment. It has helped my relationship with friends and family. Well as far as knowing what is going on in their lives, or what they choose to show.
I am very aware that there is a lot of bad in the world and we do seem to be disconnecting from the does closest to us at times because of technology. I like to look at the internet as a place where even I have a voice. Where I can share my thoughts and ideas. Its connecting the world and is the future. It makes me a bit sad when I talk to peers and I hear things like "Nowadays there is so much violence". Umm...the violence has been here all along the fact that it can be shared and go viral is the only difference.
As I have mentioned before this year I have really opened y eyes to what life really is and have discovered a whole new level of my own inner strength. in thee last 2-3 years I have really noticed how there is a Meme for everything. For those of you don't know what a meme is, its usually a picture of something, a person or object and there is words describing something going on in the picture. The words are usually negative or by what some people refer to as "funny". I have reposted my share of memes and laughed at more than I can count. With my new found knowledge I have learned that some memes are just pushing it and make important issues seem irrelevant. And what a great way to distract a whole new generation that is growing up with a cell phone in hand. Most of my friends on my social media accounts are currently using "Meme Lingo". When posting or sending a picture. Lets say a picture of myself holding and ice ream cone without the ice cream part and I decide to post it on social media with a caption that reads "I'm so bummed out that I dropped my ice cream". The Meme Lingo would read "The face you make when you drop your ice cream" . I'm not saying that Meme Lingo is bad but to be aware of what we are doing because you cant write a paper for class and talk like that. And I am aware that its part of the Millennial generation. Sure, it can be funny sometime and it has become part of our daily life. Don't let this culture socialization distract you from the real issues that need to be addressed.
Something that has such amazing power has just been molded to be used against us. a coupe years ago advertising and media was accessible to us from television, billboards, magazines, buses, benches well you get the idea. But now I see it in my social media and emails with a more frequency. I am a full functioning adult and I am aware of what's s going on. I'm being told on a daily basis how I should look, how to act, what I should smell like and even what hair to remove on my body. I know it seems a but ridiculous to think about but that is the reality.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!
I am very aware that there is a lot of bad in the world and we do seem to be disconnecting from the does closest to us at times because of technology. I like to look at the internet as a place where even I have a voice. Where I can share my thoughts and ideas. Its connecting the world and is the future. It makes me a bit sad when I talk to peers and I hear things like "Nowadays there is so much violence". Umm...the violence has been here all along the fact that it can be shared and go viral is the only difference.
As I have mentioned before this year I have really opened y eyes to what life really is and have discovered a whole new level of my own inner strength. in thee last 2-3 years I have really noticed how there is a Meme for everything. For those of you don't know what a meme is, its usually a picture of something, a person or object and there is words describing something going on in the picture. The words are usually negative or by what some people refer to as "funny". I have reposted my share of memes and laughed at more than I can count. With my new found knowledge I have learned that some memes are just pushing it and make important issues seem irrelevant. And what a great way to distract a whole new generation that is growing up with a cell phone in hand. Most of my friends on my social media accounts are currently using "Meme Lingo". When posting or sending a picture. Lets say a picture of myself holding and ice ream cone without the ice cream part and I decide to post it on social media with a caption that reads "I'm so bummed out that I dropped my ice cream". The Meme Lingo would read "The face you make when you drop your ice cream" . I'm not saying that Meme Lingo is bad but to be aware of what we are doing because you cant write a paper for class and talk like that. And I am aware that its part of the Millennial generation. Sure, it can be funny sometime and it has become part of our daily life. Don't let this culture socialization distract you from the real issues that need to be addressed.
Something that has such amazing power has just been molded to be used against us. a coupe years ago advertising and media was accessible to us from television, billboards, magazines, buses, benches well you get the idea. But now I see it in my social media and emails with a more frequency. I am a full functioning adult and I am aware of what's s going on. I'm being told on a daily basis how I should look, how to act, what I should smell like and even what hair to remove on my body. I know it seems a but ridiculous to think about but that is the reality.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Chicana : No Soy de Aqui ni de Alla
This last week we discussed Chicana Feminism in my Women Studies Class. We read a chapter from Borderlands La Frontera by Gloria Anzaldua. While reading it I could relate so much. Even though it does describe an older generation of Chicanos.
I recall spending my summers in Tijuana during middle school with my cousins. I was used t being around my kind of people. Santa Ana is about 78% Latino in 2010 according to the Census Bureau . In my young naïve brain I thought the two places would be the same. I felt so out of place, culturally. My Spanish always felt like it wasn't good enough. I had to switch from my Spanglish to all Spanish. Even though my cousins and I were able to communicate we lived in different worlds. Over the years it has been hard for me to really connect with those in my family that live in Mexico. There is only about one cousin that I can say that I have a better connection with. Despite not seeing each other for 7 years. It felt nice to just pick up where we left off.
My 1st language was Spanish because that's what my parents spoke. Once I started school everything stayed in Spanish until 3rd grade. Once English became the primary language in school I freaked out. I felt that same sense of not belonging and it was a daily reminder that I didn't fit in. I recall being in Miss Penas 2nd grade class and hearing the principal over the morning announcements and as they were over the whole class (all Spanish speakers) would look over to her and wait for the translation. Even then I hated being clueless of what is going on around me. This is a huge reason why I like learning so much.
What I could relate to the most in last weeks Women's Studies assignment was the tremendous sense of belonging I felt as I understood where I stand. No Soy de Aqui ni de Alla. (I'm not from here or there). I'm from both places. After he chapter I asked myself if I am turning my back on my Mexican heritage. Being a Feminist and a Chicana don't really seem to go hand in hand. Some may say that they contradict one another. To me they don't because I am Chicana is my social location and being feminist is that I want equality towards all women. Being a Chicana feminist does not mean that I have joined the other side or "white ideas". Before the Europeans came to the Americas there was more equality between men and women. Religion. language and culture that are part of the regular Mexican culture was the Spaniards work. of coarse if that hadn't happened many years ago I would be here blogging about it. I embrace my Mexican heritage because I speak several languages there is Standard English, Standard Mexican Spanish, Working Class English, Slang English, Standard Spanish, Chicano Spanish and my favorite Pachuco.
For the record I hate the word Pocho/Pocha. That word is used to insult Chicanos or any people of Hispanic or Latino heritage that speak poor English or no English at all. This insult mostly comes from people that were raised in Mexico. The fact that person from my own descent is telling me that I am basically not Mexican enough is very hurtful. The thing of it is, that you aren't even speaking our native tongue. Spanish was forced on the natives. We are natives mixed with Spaniards and I get to add American to that.
I recall spending my summers in Tijuana during middle school with my cousins. I was used t being around my kind of people. Santa Ana is about 78% Latino in 2010 according to the Census Bureau . In my young naïve brain I thought the two places would be the same. I felt so out of place, culturally. My Spanish always felt like it wasn't good enough. I had to switch from my Spanglish to all Spanish. Even though my cousins and I were able to communicate we lived in different worlds. Over the years it has been hard for me to really connect with those in my family that live in Mexico. There is only about one cousin that I can say that I have a better connection with. Despite not seeing each other for 7 years. It felt nice to just pick up where we left off.
My 1st language was Spanish because that's what my parents spoke. Once I started school everything stayed in Spanish until 3rd grade. Once English became the primary language in school I freaked out. I felt that same sense of not belonging and it was a daily reminder that I didn't fit in. I recall being in Miss Penas 2nd grade class and hearing the principal over the morning announcements and as they were over the whole class (all Spanish speakers) would look over to her and wait for the translation. Even then I hated being clueless of what is going on around me. This is a huge reason why I like learning so much.
What I could relate to the most in last weeks Women's Studies assignment was the tremendous sense of belonging I felt as I understood where I stand. No Soy de Aqui ni de Alla. (I'm not from here or there). I'm from both places. After he chapter I asked myself if I am turning my back on my Mexican heritage. Being a Feminist and a Chicana don't really seem to go hand in hand. Some may say that they contradict one another. To me they don't because I am Chicana is my social location and being feminist is that I want equality towards all women. Being a Chicana feminist does not mean that I have joined the other side or "white ideas". Before the Europeans came to the Americas there was more equality between men and women. Religion. language and culture that are part of the regular Mexican culture was the Spaniards work. of coarse if that hadn't happened many years ago I would be here blogging about it. I embrace my Mexican heritage because I speak several languages there is Standard English, Standard Mexican Spanish, Working Class English, Slang English, Standard Spanish, Chicano Spanish and my favorite Pachuco.
For the record I hate the word Pocho/Pocha. That word is used to insult Chicanos or any people of Hispanic or Latino heritage that speak poor English or no English at all. This insult mostly comes from people that were raised in Mexico. The fact that person from my own descent is telling me that I am basically not Mexican enough is very hurtful. The thing of it is, that you aren't even speaking our native tongue. Spanish was forced on the natives. We are natives mixed with Spaniards and I get to add American to that.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Bad Habits
There are a few bad habits that seem a bit normal to me. And since I cat seem to think tonight because of this damn cold thanks to the lame weather we have been having in Sothern California this last week. Like 3 digit weather isn't bad enough during summer but OCTOBER, really?
1. I hate cleaning, unless I'm home alone.
2.I'm a huge procrastinator.
3.I don't shave my legs when I'm single.
4. I let my dirty clothes pile up in my room.
5.I'm horrible at saving money. (I'm working on it I swear)
6. I don't wash y dishes or clothes since my mom and I moved in together.
7. I let the people I love keep hurting me because of their own inner pain.
8. I day dream way too much!
9. I am addicted to my cell phone.
10. Sometimes I'm too honest and I expect the same back.
11.I love eating bread, jelly and quesadillas. Not good for loosing weight.
12. The longest I went without a shower was a week, when I was a kid.
13. I take on average 15 selfies a day.
14. I don't brush my hair.
15. I sleep way too much on weekends about 10-15 hours in a night.
Been super busy lately but I will keep up with my posts! and hopefully this cold LEAVES soon!
GOOD NIGHT!
1. I hate cleaning, unless I'm home alone.
2.I'm a huge procrastinator.
3.I don't shave my legs when I'm single.
4. I let my dirty clothes pile up in my room.
5.I'm horrible at saving money. (I'm working on it I swear)
6. I don't wash y dishes or clothes since my mom and I moved in together.
7. I let the people I love keep hurting me because of their own inner pain.
8. I day dream way too much!
9. I am addicted to my cell phone.
10. Sometimes I'm too honest and I expect the same back.
11.I love eating bread, jelly and quesadillas. Not good for loosing weight.
12. The longest I went without a shower was a week, when I was a kid.
13. I take on average 15 selfies a day.
14. I don't brush my hair.
15. I sleep way too much on weekends about 10-15 hours in a night.
Been super busy lately but I will keep up with my posts! and hopefully this cold LEAVES soon!
GOOD NIGHT!
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Dear Tess
Dear Tess Holliday,
You are an amazing woman. I'm sure you get that a lot these days, as you should. I truly appreciate all the work you have done and are still doing. You've been on my radar for about 3 years now. I remember when I went through your IG account for the first time. I though to myself "Omg she is gorgeous!" I had no clue you were even plus sized. When I saw you were like me, it made me feel so happy! I thought, there is someone like me out there breaking the beauty norms. Here is this beautiful plus sized woman and she's modeling! I never though I would see someone like me become mainstream.
Self esteem has bee something that I have struggled with since I was a kid. It hasn't been until recent years and with a lot of help from my psychologist that I have been able to see myself as beautiful and confident young woman. Everyone should feel good about themselves, we all have that right. I'm glad I got to meet you, even though you may not remember. When you would have the garage sales in Costa Mesa, CA and were raising money to see your love in Australia. Even though I doubt you will be doing a garage sell any time soon. I'm so thankful I got the chance to see you in person. I love that I can see your life through social media. Its awesome how you are traveling the world. I hope to do that some day.
Working on myself and developing self love has been the best thing I have ever done and am still doing. Although I have had some hard bumps down this road they have made me who I am today. I want to empower women and help them with their confidence. I just started going to school and was finally able to buy myself a lap top. I want to help young girls with self esteem, assist with finding healthy ways of coping with emotions. I want to give back what was given to me. I still don't know exactly how I will be doing that but I know I'm on my way.
I just want to thank you for what you are doing and that I will do my part in this as well.
#EFFYOURBEAUTYSTANDARDS
Love
Dennise Garcia
You are an amazing woman. I'm sure you get that a lot these days, as you should. I truly appreciate all the work you have done and are still doing. You've been on my radar for about 3 years now. I remember when I went through your IG account for the first time. I though to myself "Omg she is gorgeous!" I had no clue you were even plus sized. When I saw you were like me, it made me feel so happy! I thought, there is someone like me out there breaking the beauty norms. Here is this beautiful plus sized woman and she's modeling! I never though I would see someone like me become mainstream.
Self esteem has bee something that I have struggled with since I was a kid. It hasn't been until recent years and with a lot of help from my psychologist that I have been able to see myself as beautiful and confident young woman. Everyone should feel good about themselves, we all have that right. I'm glad I got to meet you, even though you may not remember. When you would have the garage sales in Costa Mesa, CA and were raising money to see your love in Australia. Even though I doubt you will be doing a garage sell any time soon. I'm so thankful I got the chance to see you in person. I love that I can see your life through social media. Its awesome how you are traveling the world. I hope to do that some day.
Working on myself and developing self love has been the best thing I have ever done and am still doing. Although I have had some hard bumps down this road they have made me who I am today. I want to empower women and help them with their confidence. I just started going to school and was finally able to buy myself a lap top. I want to help young girls with self esteem, assist with finding healthy ways of coping with emotions. I want to give back what was given to me. I still don't know exactly how I will be doing that but I know I'm on my way.
I just want to thank you for what you are doing and that I will do my part in this as well.
#EFFYOURBEAUTYSTANDARDS
Love
Dennise Garcia
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
2 Fat
Didn't have a chance to post last week. I'm back...if anyone out there was wondering. Last week was quite interesting, filled with delightful new family drama.
After my Women's Studies class, I rushed over to Norms. My mother father and brother were on their way. We were going to meet my brothers fiancé's parents. My brother was a nervous wreck, bless his heart. My parents are kind of like the kids that never grew up, in a good way. The four of us just tend to just joke around a lot. We are always laughing about something. My dad sat next to me. I told him how tired I've been lately after starting school because he never asks what's going on in my life. After that he asked what I had just learned in class and of coarse I was going to share my knowledge, as we waited for the new in laws. I didn't go into detail I just told him that I learned about the patriarchy and how media manipulates the way we think and look at society. Also mentioned the beauty norms etc. He responded with "Your mother was a size 2 when I met her. If she would have been as fat as you, I would have never dated her."
I felt so sad for my father. I am aware of my weight. I know loosing some weight would be very beneficial to my health, dosent he want his daughter to be happy? It's sucks that he is so structuralized with this concept of thin being the only form of beauty. He cant see what an amazing daughter he has. I guess I'm not following what he had expected of me in a way. This year he has been pointing out my weight more and more in a negative way but last Thursday he just out did himself. In a way feel that this might be one of the reasons that he doesn't take anything I do serious, because I'm fat? I have let go of some negative people in the recent years. The conclusion of a negative person has been that overall they are just not happy with themselves or their life. Is this the case for my father? It certainty feels that way on my end. He sees me exited and more confident with myself. Did he feel like he had to knock me down a peg or two? Did I questions his manliness? Is he miserable an wants company? I keep asking these questions because it is very hard to accept that this might be the way that the man that I have looked up to my whole life may think.
I couldn't keep it to myself so I told my mother and brother. My mom wasn't very happy but told me that she believed me because she knows my father. My brother was shocked and asked me if maybe he had been joking. Even if it was a joke it wasn't a very funny one. I don't know if he will confront my father about it but even if he does what will that change? Would he even apologize? I don't think I can remember my father ever saying sorry. Maybe he did but not that can ever recall.
I wasn't expecting my mom to tell me why they actually split way back when. I had never asked because I really didn't feel like it was any of my business. I remember being about 8-9 years old and my father taking me to pick up my mom from work at night and him telling me that my mom was cheating and pointed out a man. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. Why would he take me and show me these things? I'm not saying my mother is perfect and that my dad is a completed asshole. And I will not try to justify what he said. At the end of the day I will always help my father with what I can and he has been there for me many times. Its just very unfortunate that we think so differently. And I cant just cut him out of my life like a negative friend. He is my father, I guess that I just have to talk to him about things that we actually have in common. Through all this I'm very glad that my mother can see my point of view.
I will not let my fathers comment keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. I will not be the victim. Yes it hurt and its sad and this is why I go to therapy to love myself and not get stuck blaming people for bringing me down. I am far too strong to let these type of comments keep me down. Even if they are from the people I love most. That only refers to immediate family.
Update:
As of last Friday I officially have a new sister in law.
School is keeping me busy and by this post I think you can see what my favorite class is!
Thanks for anyone who actually reads my shit! Show me some love. Or comment a post suggestions. I am currently working on a list.
Good Night!
After my Women's Studies class, I rushed over to Norms. My mother father and brother were on their way. We were going to meet my brothers fiancé's parents. My brother was a nervous wreck, bless his heart. My parents are kind of like the kids that never grew up, in a good way. The four of us just tend to just joke around a lot. We are always laughing about something. My dad sat next to me. I told him how tired I've been lately after starting school because he never asks what's going on in my life. After that he asked what I had just learned in class and of coarse I was going to share my knowledge, as we waited for the new in laws. I didn't go into detail I just told him that I learned about the patriarchy and how media manipulates the way we think and look at society. Also mentioned the beauty norms etc. He responded with "Your mother was a size 2 when I met her. If she would have been as fat as you, I would have never dated her."
I felt so sad for my father. I am aware of my weight. I know loosing some weight would be very beneficial to my health, dosent he want his daughter to be happy? It's sucks that he is so structuralized with this concept of thin being the only form of beauty. He cant see what an amazing daughter he has. I guess I'm not following what he had expected of me in a way. This year he has been pointing out my weight more and more in a negative way but last Thursday he just out did himself. In a way feel that this might be one of the reasons that he doesn't take anything I do serious, because I'm fat? I have let go of some negative people in the recent years. The conclusion of a negative person has been that overall they are just not happy with themselves or their life. Is this the case for my father? It certainty feels that way on my end. He sees me exited and more confident with myself. Did he feel like he had to knock me down a peg or two? Did I questions his manliness? Is he miserable an wants company? I keep asking these questions because it is very hard to accept that this might be the way that the man that I have looked up to my whole life may think.
I couldn't keep it to myself so I told my mother and brother. My mom wasn't very happy but told me that she believed me because she knows my father. My brother was shocked and asked me if maybe he had been joking. Even if it was a joke it wasn't a very funny one. I don't know if he will confront my father about it but even if he does what will that change? Would he even apologize? I don't think I can remember my father ever saying sorry. Maybe he did but not that can ever recall.
I wasn't expecting my mom to tell me why they actually split way back when. I had never asked because I really didn't feel like it was any of my business. I remember being about 8-9 years old and my father taking me to pick up my mom from work at night and him telling me that my mom was cheating and pointed out a man. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. Why would he take me and show me these things? I'm not saying my mother is perfect and that my dad is a completed asshole. And I will not try to justify what he said. At the end of the day I will always help my father with what I can and he has been there for me many times. Its just very unfortunate that we think so differently. And I cant just cut him out of my life like a negative friend. He is my father, I guess that I just have to talk to him about things that we actually have in common. Through all this I'm very glad that my mother can see my point of view.
I will not let my fathers comment keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. I will not be the victim. Yes it hurt and its sad and this is why I go to therapy to love myself and not get stuck blaming people for bringing me down. I am far too strong to let these type of comments keep me down. Even if they are from the people I love most. That only refers to immediate family.
Update:
As of last Friday I officially have a new sister in law.
School is keeping me busy and by this post I think you can see what my favorite class is!
Thanks for anyone who actually reads my shit! Show me some love. Or comment a post suggestions. I am currently working on a list.
Good Night!
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Girl's Guide to Surviving Life
In my 26 years of life on this planet I have learned quite a few things. This week I will try something a little bit different, thinking outside the box. I will share with you the best advice I have been given, in no particular order.
1. True friends are hard to come by. Once you realize a person was a good friend to you be the bigger person and look for them try to work it out. If that doesn't work then you know that at least you tried. Keep in mind that if you take too long there's less of a chance of it working out.
2. Don't let pride get in the way of something good. Friendships, proving someone wrong etc. Its just not worth it.
3. Always stay true to yourself. If something is bothering you speak up. Talk to someone.
4. Don let anyone guilt you into doing ANYTHING you don't want to do.
5. Don't seek pleasure to avoid pain. One way or another that pain has to come out. Do it in a healthy productive way.
6. Through pain comes strength. Obstacles are just tests and yes you can make it!
7. Enjoy love to its fullest potential and remember to always keep your feet on the ground.
8. Just because someone doesn't agree with the way you think doesn't mean they are wrong.
9. Always keep an open mind. Not everyone knows what you know or think the way you do.
10. Learn how to say No. Don't let people walk all over you. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean I'll do whatever you want/say.
11. Time truly heals all wounds.
12. What people think of you really isn't your business and doesn't really matter. Don't let it affect your amazing life. Everyone is entitled to an opinion don't let someone's opinion of you change who you are.
13. Self love is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
14. Misery loves company. Stay away from unhappy and negative people they will only try to bring you down with them.
15. Try and learn something new every day.
16. Always be thankful for what you have and the knowledge that comes with your years.
17. Learn from your mistakes even though you might make the same mistake 2 or 3 times you know just to be sure.
18. Life is the best teacher.
19. Don't expect something you are not willing to give yourself.
20. Don't let fear keep you from doing what you really want to do. also related to #12 if you care what people think fear will control you.
21. Its okay to be sad, in order for you to move past it you have to let it out.
22. Bleaching your hair will really damage it, I don't care what anyone says!
23. Everyday that you are alive and breathing is a gift. Do something productive with it.
24. Don't became the victim of a bad situation.
25.ALWAYS LOOK FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE EVEN IN A BAD SITUATION. LIFE MIGHT JUST BE TEACHING YOU A LESSON.
26. Understanding your past will help you comprehend you present and that will benefit your decision making for the future.
27. With matters of the heart proceed with caution.
28. Drugs and alcohol wont lead you anywhere good, keep moderation in mind.
29. You are never to old to dress up for Halloween or watch cartoons!
30. Don't stop doing what you love or who you love! ;-)
31. Don't let life turn you bitter.
32. Don't be so hard on yourself.
33. Hardest one of all follow your own advice :)
1. True friends are hard to come by. Once you realize a person was a good friend to you be the bigger person and look for them try to work it out. If that doesn't work then you know that at least you tried. Keep in mind that if you take too long there's less of a chance of it working out.
2. Don't let pride get in the way of something good. Friendships, proving someone wrong etc. Its just not worth it.
3. Always stay true to yourself. If something is bothering you speak up. Talk to someone.
4. Don let anyone guilt you into doing ANYTHING you don't want to do.
5. Don't seek pleasure to avoid pain. One way or another that pain has to come out. Do it in a healthy productive way.
6. Through pain comes strength. Obstacles are just tests and yes you can make it!
7. Enjoy love to its fullest potential and remember to always keep your feet on the ground.
8. Just because someone doesn't agree with the way you think doesn't mean they are wrong.
9. Always keep an open mind. Not everyone knows what you know or think the way you do.
10. Learn how to say No. Don't let people walk all over you. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean I'll do whatever you want/say.
11. Time truly heals all wounds.
12. What people think of you really isn't your business and doesn't really matter. Don't let it affect your amazing life. Everyone is entitled to an opinion don't let someone's opinion of you change who you are.
13. Self love is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
14. Misery loves company. Stay away from unhappy and negative people they will only try to bring you down with them.
15. Try and learn something new every day.
16. Always be thankful for what you have and the knowledge that comes with your years.
17. Learn from your mistakes even though you might make the same mistake 2 or 3 times you know just to be sure.
18. Life is the best teacher.
19. Don't expect something you are not willing to give yourself.
20. Don't let fear keep you from doing what you really want to do. also related to #12 if you care what people think fear will control you.
21. Its okay to be sad, in order for you to move past it you have to let it out.
22. Bleaching your hair will really damage it, I don't care what anyone says!
23. Everyday that you are alive and breathing is a gift. Do something productive with it.
24. Don't became the victim of a bad situation.
25.ALWAYS LOOK FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE EVEN IN A BAD SITUATION. LIFE MIGHT JUST BE TEACHING YOU A LESSON.
26. Understanding your past will help you comprehend you present and that will benefit your decision making for the future.
27. With matters of the heart proceed with caution.
28. Drugs and alcohol wont lead you anywhere good, keep moderation in mind.
29. You are never to old to dress up for Halloween or watch cartoons!
30. Don't stop doing what you love or who you love! ;-)
31. Don't let life turn you bitter.
32. Don't be so hard on yourself.
33. Hardest one of all follow your own advice :)
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Girl's Group Message
Its been a while that I have been in a group message. Girl group messages are the best! Today, we got into talking about faking orgasms and any if us had ever faked one. One of my friends mentioned that she had and of coarse I was curious. She just said that sometimes she just wanted that person to finish. You bet your sweet ass I had something to say about that and this also goes to other women that might be doing the same.
I have not and will not fake an orgasm! I did go on a mini rant about this. If you do not know how my body works I will let you know because everyone is different. Also I see it as a form of lying, I mean if someone is not doing a good job don't you want them to do better? And if you don't you are evil! JK. Or if something is hurting you all you would have to say is, that's kind of hurting me can you please stop and yes I have had to do that. Its just that easy. If you don't wan this person to feel bad they should be happy as fuck that you are even letting them be intimate with you. If they try to make you feel bad, should you even be having sex with them?
The reason I have this type of feedback is because I've been that girl that would fall for the stupid guilt trips and manipulation! It wasn't until I realized what my self worth is that this began to change.
I recall a certain someone and do keep in mind this is before self love Dee came along. He told me that I was the biggest girl he had been with. After I had told him I had feelings for him. Let that sink in for a second. He made me feel like no one would want to be with me because of that. I felt like trash but the truth is that the trash was him. And yes I did keep seeing him a couple of months after that up until last year. He saw a good girl and took advantage of that for his pleasure. I can admit I was an idiot but even worse, I didn't love myself. What did I do when he came crying to me when his life was falling apart? I hugged him as he cried. I don't believe in hurting when I've been hurt. spreading that around wont make you any happier.
I know I got a bit personal but this just became one of those things that I've learned from and have overcome. If any of you have even gone through anything similar feel free to contact me.
I have not and will not fake an orgasm! I did go on a mini rant about this. If you do not know how my body works I will let you know because everyone is different. Also I see it as a form of lying, I mean if someone is not doing a good job don't you want them to do better? And if you don't you are evil! JK. Or if something is hurting you all you would have to say is, that's kind of hurting me can you please stop and yes I have had to do that. Its just that easy. If you don't wan this person to feel bad they should be happy as fuck that you are even letting them be intimate with you. If they try to make you feel bad, should you even be having sex with them?
The reason I have this type of feedback is because I've been that girl that would fall for the stupid guilt trips and manipulation! It wasn't until I realized what my self worth is that this began to change.
I recall a certain someone and do keep in mind this is before self love Dee came along. He told me that I was the biggest girl he had been with. After I had told him I had feelings for him. Let that sink in for a second. He made me feel like no one would want to be with me because of that. I felt like trash but the truth is that the trash was him. And yes I did keep seeing him a couple of months after that up until last year. He saw a good girl and took advantage of that for his pleasure. I can admit I was an idiot but even worse, I didn't love myself. What did I do when he came crying to me when his life was falling apart? I hugged him as he cried. I don't believe in hurting when I've been hurt. spreading that around wont make you any happier.
I know I got a bit personal but this just became one of those things that I've learned from and have overcome. If any of you have even gone through anything similar feel free to contact me.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
First Comes Love, Then Comes...
After my brothers announcement about getting married. This topic has been rolling around the old noggin'. A couple months ago I was feeling a bit sorry for myself as far as being left behind regarding this whole marriage and baby thing. Abby's sister will be getting married next month and so will my brother. I don't fee anxious or scared of being alone for a bit. I guess its due to the fact of Podcast. Listening to the one titled "All the Single Ladies" just gave me so much comfort. I don't feel the need to go out and look for a boyfriend or partner. In my culture being my age and single with no intention of wanting to marry is a bit taboo. Another thing that has encouraged this attitude of not wanting marriage just yet has been because I'm single.
The 1st time I listened to this podcast about 8 weeks ago. I was completely sucked in! The fear of people all around the world on this "Eternal Singlehood" Is fascinating to me. I have been this person in the past but I have been teaching myself to catch those thoughts and say something positive about that specific situation. Being married and having a family isn't for everyone. We can live fulfilling lives without those things and we shouldn't judge other that live differently than us. The fear that has been imbedded in us for living outside what's expected, is a bit sad. I guess I've had some feminine ideas within myself without even knowing it. Some years ago I posted a status that read: "Is the only thing that little girls have to look forward to in life is becoming a mommy and wife?" Most of the replies were yes. I couldn't help but ask myself why? I find it very hard to accept this just because that's the way its supposed to be? I want to be a mother and wife because I choose to not because I have to. I've noticed this behavior in other aspects of my personality. I do understand that some people don't have the means to be single and sometimes do it for financial reasons. That is why marriage was started anyways. Marrying for love is still somewhat new. I do wish to have a child one day and its more than just my biological instinct. I want to share my knowledge give them more than what I had I want to pass something that can be bought, but for the time being I am enjoying the time I have to myself. I want to have the relationship that my mother and I have to a certain point. I have learned to be alone without feeling lonely. I have started blogging, having pen pals and even found feminism.
One day I would like to get married an have a family but its not number one thing on my list at the moment. I'm not going to just sit abound and wait for Mr. Right. If for any reason that does not happen it will be okay because I will have developed interests and other relationships. I don't want to fall under the category of getting married because I have to or because its what your supposed to do.
Keeping it short tonight. FYI I started my psychology class last night and I cant wait for us to do the dream activity! Women's studies is tomorrow, wish me luck!
Good night to anyone actually reading my blogs!
The 1st time I listened to this podcast about 8 weeks ago. I was completely sucked in! The fear of people all around the world on this "Eternal Singlehood" Is fascinating to me. I have been this person in the past but I have been teaching myself to catch those thoughts and say something positive about that specific situation. Being married and having a family isn't for everyone. We can live fulfilling lives without those things and we shouldn't judge other that live differently than us. The fear that has been imbedded in us for living outside what's expected, is a bit sad. I guess I've had some feminine ideas within myself without even knowing it. Some years ago I posted a status that read: "Is the only thing that little girls have to look forward to in life is becoming a mommy and wife?" Most of the replies were yes. I couldn't help but ask myself why? I find it very hard to accept this just because that's the way its supposed to be? I want to be a mother and wife because I choose to not because I have to. I've noticed this behavior in other aspects of my personality. I do understand that some people don't have the means to be single and sometimes do it for financial reasons. That is why marriage was started anyways. Marrying for love is still somewhat new. I do wish to have a child one day and its more than just my biological instinct. I want to share my knowledge give them more than what I had I want to pass something that can be bought, but for the time being I am enjoying the time I have to myself. I want to have the relationship that my mother and I have to a certain point. I have learned to be alone without feeling lonely. I have started blogging, having pen pals and even found feminism.
One day I would like to get married an have a family but its not number one thing on my list at the moment. I'm not going to just sit abound and wait for Mr. Right. If for any reason that does not happen it will be okay because I will have developed interests and other relationships. I don't want to fall under the category of getting married because I have to or because its what your supposed to do.
Keeping it short tonight. FYI I started my psychology class last night and I cant wait for us to do the dream activity! Women's studies is tomorrow, wish me luck!
Good night to anyone actually reading my blogs!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Positive Relationships
Self love can be seen in many different ways. Some may consider it pampering yourself; getting a pedicure or going shopping, although I do enjoy those things. Self love as far as relationships has reshaped my whole way of thinking and living life. I started with evaluating all my relationships. I started noticing and separating myself from people that just aren't that happy with themselves and their lives. When you truly are happy for someone else's good news or accomplishments you congratulate them. You don't say things like that s great BUT. If you are going to say but right after a compliment or congratulations you really aren't happy for that person. The hardest self love I've had to do is distance myself from people that I love. You have to do what's right for you and love yourself. Those are the people that try to put me down when I'm happy. The ones that will always find something negative to say. Although, I do understand the intention of wanting to help. I just don't work that way. Choose your word wisely because they can be very powerful. Every time some one gives me good news I try and give positive feedback.
I cant be around people that have just given up on life. No matter how hard it gets we have the power to overcome anything life throws at us. And even when I'm down I tell myself that life is a gift and I have to make the best of it. Even when I'm freaking out and calling my friends sobbing or cry on my mommies chest, once I let it out I can move forward. Cutting back on unhappy people has really brought my stress level down. Less drama less stress equals a happier more concentrated Me. I have also learned that I cant change everyone and some of these people just don't know how to function without misery. If you can admit that you've made a mistake, you will be able to grow as a person. Otherwise you will always blame others for your mistakes and misfortunes.
So my goal for all new relationships is to have a positive common ground. Instead of things like abandonment issues or depression. I need to befriend people that have chosen a similar path, as myself like; self love, empowering others, looking at life as a gift, having healthy outlets for sadness. That's how you lower negative and increase positive in life, its all about the relationships that you have with those around you.
I cant be around people that have just given up on life. No matter how hard it gets we have the power to overcome anything life throws at us. And even when I'm down I tell myself that life is a gift and I have to make the best of it. Even when I'm freaking out and calling my friends sobbing or cry on my mommies chest, once I let it out I can move forward. Cutting back on unhappy people has really brought my stress level down. Less drama less stress equals a happier more concentrated Me. I have also learned that I cant change everyone and some of these people just don't know how to function without misery. If you can admit that you've made a mistake, you will be able to grow as a person. Otherwise you will always blame others for your mistakes and misfortunes.
So my goal for all new relationships is to have a positive common ground. Instead of things like abandonment issues or depression. I need to befriend people that have chosen a similar path, as myself like; self love, empowering others, looking at life as a gift, having healthy outlets for sadness. That's how you lower negative and increase positive in life, its all about the relationships that you have with those around you.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
School's Back In Session
I was always very quiet in school. I just kind of tend to shut down and keep to myself in crows or groups of people. Kinder, 1st and 2nd grade where fine, It took me a bit to learn how to read but I got the hang of it. I still remember that feeling of the light bulb going off in my head an thinking to myself, oh my god I get it! So up to this point everything I learned was still in Spanish because my parents only spoke Spanish. Returning to school for 3rd grade I felt so confident and ready to learn and actually know what was going on. To my surprise everything had changed, we would only be taught in English. No more breaking up the kids into Spanish speakers and English speakers. Although I'm glad this was done, I just wish I would have been taught English from the beginning but then I wouldn't know how to read or write in Spanish. I didn't know then how this small change would affect the rest of my life. ( just stepped away for a second and my brother and his girlfriend will be getting married next month)
It took me a while to get used to the fact that everything would be in English. I didn't learn to speak it until 4th grade. Third grade was when I stopped going outside to play and started eating. I always new something had changed at that time for me and it was always in the back of my head. I kept struggling in school and floated onto the next grade. By the time I would get a hold of something we were already be moving onto the next. M y parents couldn't really help me with homework, they only spoke Spanish. I felt so stupid that I could never keep up. This feeling lasted about 18 years. Eighth grade English was the hardest subject for me all these commas, adjectives and adverbs threw me off. Even now I struggle with all this.
It wasn't until summer of 2013 that I made the connections. It seems so easy and simple now. I remember having this breakthrough in therapy. I came home and ripped down all my posters and took off my green leopard comforter. Abby was really confused that I had done all this, I tried explaining but se thought it was because of FEO. I just felt like I didn't need all these things in my walls in my room filling this odd emptiness. I had these things because I had a hard time defining myself. I realized that my belongings don't define me, I define myself. That has been one of the best breakthroughs I have had in therapy to date.
I dropped out of school in 2007 I was 18. When I started my GED classes I was so scared that I wouldn't pass but I made it by 2 points I was so proud of myself at 22 I got my GED. After getting stabilized with wok and home I'm happy to say that I will finally be starting college at 26 years old. I know I have a long way to go but giving up is not an option for me. I start my 1st class on the 25th and my favorite subject Psychology! I will also be taking Women's Studies I just cant wait to start learning. I didn't know how I would get to college but I always knew wanted to go. This is a huge step for me and I am really nervous about starting something I know little about. I know it wont be easy but If I have to take a class 2 or 3 times I will do it!
It took me a while to get used to the fact that everything would be in English. I didn't learn to speak it until 4th grade. Third grade was when I stopped going outside to play and started eating. I always new something had changed at that time for me and it was always in the back of my head. I kept struggling in school and floated onto the next grade. By the time I would get a hold of something we were already be moving onto the next. M y parents couldn't really help me with homework, they only spoke Spanish. I felt so stupid that I could never keep up. This feeling lasted about 18 years. Eighth grade English was the hardest subject for me all these commas, adjectives and adverbs threw me off. Even now I struggle with all this.
It wasn't until summer of 2013 that I made the connections. It seems so easy and simple now. I remember having this breakthrough in therapy. I came home and ripped down all my posters and took off my green leopard comforter. Abby was really confused that I had done all this, I tried explaining but se thought it was because of FEO. I just felt like I didn't need all these things in my walls in my room filling this odd emptiness. I had these things because I had a hard time defining myself. I realized that my belongings don't define me, I define myself. That has been one of the best breakthroughs I have had in therapy to date.
I dropped out of school in 2007 I was 18. When I started my GED classes I was so scared that I wouldn't pass but I made it by 2 points I was so proud of myself at 22 I got my GED. After getting stabilized with wok and home I'm happy to say that I will finally be starting college at 26 years old. I know I have a long way to go but giving up is not an option for me. I start my 1st class on the 25th and my favorite subject Psychology! I will also be taking Women's Studies I just cant wait to start learning. I didn't know how I would get to college but I always knew wanted to go. This is a huge step for me and I am really nervous about starting something I know little about. I know it wont be easy but If I have to take a class 2 or 3 times I will do it!
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Moonshine Crescent Garcia
I've wanted to get a pet ever since I had my dog Roxie. Putting her down was heartbreaking. I don't think I've ever cried so much since that day. That was about 6 years ago, I promised myself that I would not get another pet until I could afford to take care of them. After getting my apartment I decided to get a cat. I would have gotten a dog but there's no pets allowed were I live so a cat seemed like the better choice. I mean dogs bark and I cant have that, cats are quieter.
At that time my mother was working 2nd shift and I would get out of work at 4:00, that's when she would be starting . It took a bit of adjusting getting used being completely alone. The last 5 years I had lived in a 6 bedroom house with 10 people, someone was always home.
I ended up getting Moonshine Crescent Garcia from a friends co worker. I specifically wanted a black cat because most people consider that as "bad luck". I really don't like that superstition. I think he's as loving and "evil" as any other cat. I remember the night I ended up bringing him home. I wrapped him in a pink blanket with hearts all over it. That had been Roxie's blanket. I had to hold him as I rove and OMG he would not stop crying. As I parked in the garage downstairs I had to figure out how to get him into my apartment without getting caught. There is cameras all over this building; the garage, hallways stairs and elevators! So I stuck him inside my purse put on music on my cell and hoped no one would hear him meowing. I took the stairs and walked through the side,avoiding the supers office. I had bought his food, bowls and litter box like a month before that. He cried that whole night I hardly got any sleep. He just hid under my bed. After I showed him where the food was he would come out only when hungry.
It wasn't until the 3rd night that he actually let me touch him. After a couple of days of getting used to the idea that he wasn't going anywhere he fell asleep on my chest. That was when my heart just melted an felt alive once again. I was so shocked that I was able to love something new in my life, like an actual living mammal. For a long time I had felt like I would never be able to love anything. Hadn't felt much for a while. After the 2nd break up I was numb. Nothing really made me feel any better. Being sober was hard for me.
A couple weeks ago I neutered him. I thought that in a way he would hate me because of it. I was surprised when he lay on my chest with that huge cone and let me pet him. Now if I'm home he's next to me. He's actually sitting next to me on my desk bench. I love waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him next to me or by my feet. Hearing his purrs is so soothing. I don't ever like to push him out of the way when he's trying to love me because I know what that's like. I'm his whole life. He waits by the door for me when my mom comes home. He's not used to me working so much, I guess he expects for my mother an I to come home at the same time. As soon as I walk in he struts towards me ad meows kind of like telling me "pick me up and love me, I've been waiting all day". Well in my head that's what he says that or "Fed me, clean my litter box its full." Ha-ha!
Got to go my brother is here and he is hungry!
At that time my mother was working 2nd shift and I would get out of work at 4:00, that's when she would be starting . It took a bit of adjusting getting used being completely alone. The last 5 years I had lived in a 6 bedroom house with 10 people, someone was always home.
I ended up getting Moonshine Crescent Garcia from a friends co worker. I specifically wanted a black cat because most people consider that as "bad luck". I really don't like that superstition. I think he's as loving and "evil" as any other cat. I remember the night I ended up bringing him home. I wrapped him in a pink blanket with hearts all over it. That had been Roxie's blanket. I had to hold him as I rove and OMG he would not stop crying. As I parked in the garage downstairs I had to figure out how to get him into my apartment without getting caught. There is cameras all over this building; the garage, hallways stairs and elevators! So I stuck him inside my purse put on music on my cell and hoped no one would hear him meowing. I took the stairs and walked through the side,avoiding the supers office. I had bought his food, bowls and litter box like a month before that. He cried that whole night I hardly got any sleep. He just hid under my bed. After I showed him where the food was he would come out only when hungry.
It wasn't until the 3rd night that he actually let me touch him. After a couple of days of getting used to the idea that he wasn't going anywhere he fell asleep on my chest. That was when my heart just melted an felt alive once again. I was so shocked that I was able to love something new in my life, like an actual living mammal. For a long time I had felt like I would never be able to love anything. Hadn't felt much for a while. After the 2nd break up I was numb. Nothing really made me feel any better. Being sober was hard for me.
A couple weeks ago I neutered him. I thought that in a way he would hate me because of it. I was surprised when he lay on my chest with that huge cone and let me pet him. Now if I'm home he's next to me. He's actually sitting next to me on my desk bench. I love waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him next to me or by my feet. Hearing his purrs is so soothing. I don't ever like to push him out of the way when he's trying to love me because I know what that's like. I'm his whole life. He waits by the door for me when my mom comes home. He's not used to me working so much, I guess he expects for my mother an I to come home at the same time. As soon as I walk in he struts towards me ad meows kind of like telling me "pick me up and love me, I've been waiting all day". Well in my head that's what he says that or "Fed me, clean my litter box its full." Ha-ha!
Got to go my brother is here and he is hungry!
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Welcome To The World
Last Friday I left work after a 12 hour shift and headed over to the hospital. My friend Jay was in labor she had gotten induced couple hours before I showed up. Turns out the baby wasn't ready to come out just yet. My mother and I decided to stay after the nurse told Jay that she would be having a C-section. I know that at that moment she wouldn't admit it but Jay got extremely nervous and I don't blame her. I can only imagine what its like to be pregnant.
Jay and I met the 1st week of 6th grade that will be 15 years ago this fall. Wow, it feels weird being able to even say that! We kind of just clicked from the beginning. We didn't really start a friendship until Jr. year in Human Anatomy class. I had transferred from another class and she was the only person I knew so of coarse I asked to sit next to her. That is when we really started connecting. The thing that we connecting on was divorce. We both knew how hard it was to have parents that had split. I always felt very comfortable opening up to Jay. Later in the year I don't recall exactly when Jay introduced me to Abby. That is when out little trio began. I ended up having Abby for English that year.
Throughout the years Jay and I became great friends even referred to each other as sisters. She didn't have any siblings and didn't have a sister. It just felt right. After her mother passed July of 2009. I had to step up and be the strong friend that Jay needed. It wasn't easy but if I had to do it all over again I would. I got a small taste of what its like to be a parent at 21. I would be worried about her, wondering if she had eaten and reminding her that a certain bill was due. I even pulled her out of bed like literally, more than once according to her. I did the best I could and what I thought would help her maybe in some ways I protected her too much but I have no clue what's its like to have a parent pass away. Whenever Jay asked me for a favor I would do it because knew that she is the type of friend that would do it for me as well. Getting up in the middle of the night to drive her home from work. Her and Abby being there for me when my mother left at 18. That's when they would pull me out of bed, I will remain forever grateful for those things and so much more. It wasn't all perfect we had our moments and drama. We spent almost 2 years not really talking. some months back we met up for diner and just let everything out. There was tears and laughter but I really feel that we are the right path towards our friendship.
Saturday, my mom and I walked into the room I heard that little baby cry (because he was getting his diaper changed) I felt something indescribable. This warmness over my heart and all the love and I have for Jay all at once but in a way more than that. When I got to hold him I had some tears come down my face. I guess I'm describing this from and "aunts" point of view because I see him as a nephew. When I see him I see Jay that girl that I did so many crazy thighs with. The one who would put me to sleep when I was shit faced drunk, and yes I did return that favor! I see in him all the good and the hard times his mom and I have been through together. Even through our difference's these last 2 years I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now I realize that I did back away from her because I was hurt. And I had hurt her as well, I just didn't know how to deal with it at the time. I'm glad we've been able to talk things out. I want to continue to be in her life and her child's life . I want him to call me Tia, I want to spoil him and hold him when he cries. I'm glad that her grandma lives close to me. I want to help her in any way I can. This is life and its happening right now.
Jay and I met the 1st week of 6th grade that will be 15 years ago this fall. Wow, it feels weird being able to even say that! We kind of just clicked from the beginning. We didn't really start a friendship until Jr. year in Human Anatomy class. I had transferred from another class and she was the only person I knew so of coarse I asked to sit next to her. That is when we really started connecting. The thing that we connecting on was divorce. We both knew how hard it was to have parents that had split. I always felt very comfortable opening up to Jay. Later in the year I don't recall exactly when Jay introduced me to Abby. That is when out little trio began. I ended up having Abby for English that year.
Throughout the years Jay and I became great friends even referred to each other as sisters. She didn't have any siblings and didn't have a sister. It just felt right. After her mother passed July of 2009. I had to step up and be the strong friend that Jay needed. It wasn't easy but if I had to do it all over again I would. I got a small taste of what its like to be a parent at 21. I would be worried about her, wondering if she had eaten and reminding her that a certain bill was due. I even pulled her out of bed like literally, more than once according to her. I did the best I could and what I thought would help her maybe in some ways I protected her too much but I have no clue what's its like to have a parent pass away. Whenever Jay asked me for a favor I would do it because knew that she is the type of friend that would do it for me as well. Getting up in the middle of the night to drive her home from work. Her and Abby being there for me when my mother left at 18. That's when they would pull me out of bed, I will remain forever grateful for those things and so much more. It wasn't all perfect we had our moments and drama. We spent almost 2 years not really talking. some months back we met up for diner and just let everything out. There was tears and laughter but I really feel that we are the right path towards our friendship.
Saturday, my mom and I walked into the room I heard that little baby cry (because he was getting his diaper changed) I felt something indescribable. This warmness over my heart and all the love and I have for Jay all at once but in a way more than that. When I got to hold him I had some tears come down my face. I guess I'm describing this from and "aunts" point of view because I see him as a nephew. When I see him I see Jay that girl that I did so many crazy thighs with. The one who would put me to sleep when I was shit faced drunk, and yes I did return that favor! I see in him all the good and the hard times his mom and I have been through together. Even through our difference's these last 2 years I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now I realize that I did back away from her because I was hurt. And I had hurt her as well, I just didn't know how to deal with it at the time. I'm glad we've been able to talk things out. I want to continue to be in her life and her child's life . I want him to call me Tia, I want to spoil him and hold him when he cries. I'm glad that her grandma lives close to me. I want to help her in any way I can. This is life and its happening right now.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Just Getting Started
I know my last post was about posting a new entry every Wednesday, but unfortunately my old lap top which was hand me down gave out. So I bought this new one last week. It still feels weird saying that.
In Winter of 2010 things were a bit harder, I was making $350.00 a month and that only covered my rent I was on food stamps for the 2nd time. My mother was living in Mexico. My father living with his baby momma and his 2 young sons and my brother was I jail for the 2nd time. I was living with my friend from high school, Abby and her family in a 6 bedroom house. It was never a dull moment living there. They offered me the stable home that I hadn't had since I was 13. I was alone in a very real way, away from my immediate family. That previous fall I had started attending this WIA Program at a local art center for children. I would work the receptionist desk on Wednesday's and Saturday's. I learned simple things like answering the phone professionally to being trusted to close after the classes ended. Tuesday's and Thursday's I would tutor regular and special needs kids. I also took a graphic design/art class with the coolest teacher ever! I would not be where I am if it wasn't for that program. I didn't have a car so my good friend Jay and I would walk to work which was 3 miles from home, so we could save on bus fare and buy $0.99 cheeseburgers. That would be our meal for the day. We would leave my house like 2 hours early so we would have enough time to get to work and cool down. Even thinking about it now it makes me shed a few tears. I would always tell myself, its going to be worth it everything you are going through will be worth it. Every night that I went to sleep I would thank God that I had somewhere to sleep had something to eat and that I could take care of myself.
While working in that at center I went through my 1st heartache. Looking back now that was nothing. Months after that I started dating my 1st boyfriend El Vaquero. I also accomplished a lot while in this program I got my license, GED and I met Yasmin my current therapist.
So when I was able to buy myself this laptop and I was setting it up. I stopped and looked back for a second it made me cry kind of how I am now. I truly feel that I have come so far from where I was. I appreciate everything I'm learning along the way because you never stop learning. I know I don't have much but everything I have I have worked for and I am only getting started.
I start college next month. I always knew I wanted to go to school have a job I just didn't know how to get started. It hasn't been easy but I know that I'm on my way. Not going to lie I kind of always envied people that still live with both their parents and had to only worry about going to school. But maybe that's not the path I'm suppose to follow. I do know that I don't want my future children to worry about not having enough money to pay the rent, money for food or having to worry about always locking your door before you change in your room because of the peeping tom in the back of the house. Having nightmare about it all the time. Which was always kind of a joke to my father and trust me It wasn't very funny on my end. Even through those moments I would tell myself that my kids will not go through that. everything I am doing to better my future is for them. I hope to share this blog with them one day. Well, it's already 10 I have to sleep, working 12 hour days is very tiring. Oh! One last thing I got a kickass tattoo last week of myself we kind of, its the painting that El Terco made. When I got it I knew I wanted to get it tattooed and I finally just went for it! Picture below. Do keep in mind its not finished yet.
In Winter of 2010 things were a bit harder, I was making $350.00 a month and that only covered my rent I was on food stamps for the 2nd time. My mother was living in Mexico. My father living with his baby momma and his 2 young sons and my brother was I jail for the 2nd time. I was living with my friend from high school, Abby and her family in a 6 bedroom house. It was never a dull moment living there. They offered me the stable home that I hadn't had since I was 13. I was alone in a very real way, away from my immediate family. That previous fall I had started attending this WIA Program at a local art center for children. I would work the receptionist desk on Wednesday's and Saturday's. I learned simple things like answering the phone professionally to being trusted to close after the classes ended. Tuesday's and Thursday's I would tutor regular and special needs kids. I also took a graphic design/art class with the coolest teacher ever! I would not be where I am if it wasn't for that program. I didn't have a car so my good friend Jay and I would walk to work which was 3 miles from home, so we could save on bus fare and buy $0.99 cheeseburgers. That would be our meal for the day. We would leave my house like 2 hours early so we would have enough time to get to work and cool down. Even thinking about it now it makes me shed a few tears. I would always tell myself, its going to be worth it everything you are going through will be worth it. Every night that I went to sleep I would thank God that I had somewhere to sleep had something to eat and that I could take care of myself.
While working in that at center I went through my 1st heartache. Looking back now that was nothing. Months after that I started dating my 1st boyfriend El Vaquero. I also accomplished a lot while in this program I got my license, GED and I met Yasmin my current therapist.
So when I was able to buy myself this laptop and I was setting it up. I stopped and looked back for a second it made me cry kind of how I am now. I truly feel that I have come so far from where I was. I appreciate everything I'm learning along the way because you never stop learning. I know I don't have much but everything I have I have worked for and I am only getting started.
I start college next month. I always knew I wanted to go to school have a job I just didn't know how to get started. It hasn't been easy but I know that I'm on my way. Not going to lie I kind of always envied people that still live with both their parents and had to only worry about going to school. But maybe that's not the path I'm suppose to follow. I do know that I don't want my future children to worry about not having enough money to pay the rent, money for food or having to worry about always locking your door before you change in your room because of the peeping tom in the back of the house. Having nightmare about it all the time. Which was always kind of a joke to my father and trust me It wasn't very funny on my end. Even through those moments I would tell myself that my kids will not go through that. everything I am doing to better my future is for them. I hope to share this blog with them one day. Well, it's already 10 I have to sleep, working 12 hour days is very tiring. Oh! One last thing I got a kickass tattoo last week of myself we kind of, its the painting that El Terco made. When I got it I knew I wanted to get it tattooed and I finally just went for it! Picture below. Do keep in mind its not finished yet.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Blossoming
This week has been an emotional roller coaster.. If you have me on snap chat I am sure you have asked yourself, "WTF is wrong with that girl?" I refuse to ignore my emotions and the tears that come out help me move past this current situation. Other than work being crazy busy and making me want to pick up smoking (I don't smoke).I felt like I was being dragged into my past. If you have read my older blogs you know what summer of 2014 consisted of. Needless to say that a recent event made me feel like I might get dragged back into something bad and of coarse my mind ran with it. Damn this cognitive distortion!! After I cried myself to sleep on Tuesday while praying, I went to work with a sad heart and then something happened I accepted that it was okay to feel this way. I analyzed the situation and saw the pattern that I have been following. This is the reason I love psychology! What I learn there I apply to everyday life and it helps me pull my head out of my ass in other words. Yes, it's one thing to point it put when you are not following this patter, but to be able to pull yourself from this is what strength is made of. I didn't tattoo "Through pain comes strength" on my left arm for no reason. That is also a reminder that I can get over this (even thought it has taken about 2 years now).
After feeling empowered I look at things that make me feel better. The one thing that just helps me look at things in a different way is Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot". It just helps me realize and move past things that just really don't matter anymore. I become concentrated in the now and it gives me strength for the future and the things that I am currently working on.
I was talking to a friend after she had seen that I had cried during my lunch. She asked me why I had been so emotional lately. And I let her know that I wasn't suppressing my feelings as much as the previous months. More like distracting myself with not so positive activities. In the past years I have found relief in things like drinking, MEN, partying and a little of that Mary Jane. All I was doing was burying my emotions under all those things, "pretending that I was having fun". Like a lot young adults are currently doing and I don't mean everyone. We all have different reasons for doing certain things and its okay we are all unique. We cope with things the only way we know how. It takes a very strong person not to give into the easy way of "getting over things". We follow the examples that we have seen growing up. And I like helping my friends validate themselves they way I have.
I decided not to lie due to a certain friend. She would constantly lie about so many things. After we learned and kept catching her in lies. I would tell her "Just admit it we caught you lying, were your friends you don't have to try and impress us." She never did fess up about ever lying. After that I promised that I wouldn't lie anymore. What's really the point of lying anyways? Maybe that you aren't happy with the reality around you. In the end you just end up hurting yourself. The 2nd part of that promise has been the hardest to keep, not lying to myself. Pulling myself away from things that are no good. Separating myself from people I though I would never be able to live without has been the best thing I have done. This is how I began blogging and learning about things that I actually enjoy like Astronomy, Psychology and yes the all time favorite FEMINISM.
After feeling empowered I look at things that make me feel better. The one thing that just helps me look at things in a different way is Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot". It just helps me realize and move past things that just really don't matter anymore. I become concentrated in the now and it gives me strength for the future and the things that I am currently working on.
I was talking to a friend after she had seen that I had cried during my lunch. She asked me why I had been so emotional lately. And I let her know that I wasn't suppressing my feelings as much as the previous months. More like distracting myself with not so positive activities. In the past years I have found relief in things like drinking, MEN, partying and a little of that Mary Jane. All I was doing was burying my emotions under all those things, "pretending that I was having fun". Like a lot young adults are currently doing and I don't mean everyone. We all have different reasons for doing certain things and its okay we are all unique. We cope with things the only way we know how. It takes a very strong person not to give into the easy way of "getting over things". We follow the examples that we have seen growing up. And I like helping my friends validate themselves they way I have.
I decided not to lie due to a certain friend. She would constantly lie about so many things. After we learned and kept catching her in lies. I would tell her "Just admit it we caught you lying, were your friends you don't have to try and impress us." She never did fess up about ever lying. After that I promised that I wouldn't lie anymore. What's really the point of lying anyways? Maybe that you aren't happy with the reality around you. In the end you just end up hurting yourself. The 2nd part of that promise has been the hardest to keep, not lying to myself. Pulling myself away from things that are no good. Separating myself from people I though I would never be able to live without has been the best thing I have done. This is how I began blogging and learning about things that I actually enjoy like Astronomy, Psychology and yes the all time favorite FEMINISM.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Wednesday's
I will attempt to do weekly posts. I have chosen Wednesday just seems like the perfect day! I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!
Expand your mind man! Lol
-Dee
Women Empowerment
If I haven't mentioned before I go to therapy about once a month or so. I have known my therapist for about 4 years .I started going because I felt like I needed some type of guidance, my anxiety and a bunch of others things. Now that I've gotten some of my worries a bit more under control I feel like I have really began to blossom. I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be. I consider myself to be a good person and everything I learn I want to share with the people around me. From time to time I get text messages from friends asking for advise and it feels great that I can help and give them guidance. I don't see it like other people that may say things like "they only look for me when they need something". Not at all I feel honored that they confide in me. And I love being able to guide them in some way. Even if they don't follow my advise its okay that fact that they came to me is more than enough thanks. I love empowering people and helping them validate themselves. I want to help young women with self esteem and father issue's because those 2 things play an enormous role when choosing a partner. I want to minimize the percentage of women that become involved in physically and verbally abusive relationships. I'm still not 100 percent on how I will do that but I'm on my way!
Recently I have felt so lonely, might be the best way to put it. I want my friends to see things the way I do but I cant force them. Older co workers seem to get it more and my brother. I randomly added this page on Facebook called "Things Your Mom Never Told You" about 2 weeks later I saw that there was a YouTube channel of this. I automatically fell in love with Cristen's YouTube videos. The 1st 2 days my head would hurt after watching her videos because they are a bit short from 2-10 minutes. Her videos are about questions that subscribers ask. I love how she breaks it down psychologically and scientifically. Her weekly videos give me something to look forward to and made me feel that I am not alone in the way I think and or feel. That also got me interested in feminism (don't roll your eyes at me). Every time I mention Feminism I get this "ughhh" response and rolling eyes. You probably imagine the hardcore feminist woman that burns her bra, doesn't shave her legs and hates men. Reading on this topic and watching Cristen's videos helps me understand this movement a little bit better. Its not that women are better than men to me its about being treated like equals and helping people in general not just girls or women. I have experienced sexism in my life and even this year. Yes, in 2015.
This last weekend I went to Tijuana, México for my cousin's Mayra graduation from nursing school. I began talking to her about her dreams for the future and she is a very driven young woman. When we had some down time from eating tacos (which are amazing out there) and driving all over the city. We began to talk about men and the how some are threatened by successful women. She mentioned that her ex boyfriend would get upset about her going to school and working at a local hospital. Most of my generation of cousins are either living with a boyfriend or have kids. I am the oldest woman (26) on my fathers side that has no children. I just don't understand why our culture is in such a hurry to get married. So Mayra and I came to the conclusion that we will bet the older single aunts in the family that wont get married until we are in our 30's. For Mexican women that is old.
A while back I had a co worker that only dates Latinas tell me "You don't think like a most Latinas". I asked, "How do most Latinas think?" and he told me that the ones he had come across usually don't want to work, they stay home and want to be taken care of. I thought to myself wow is that the way we are seen? I'll just have some man take care of me? For as long as I can remember my mother always told me that she wants me to learn to survive on my own, so I don't have to rely on a man. I think this is more than just a cultural mind set, its really how you are raised but maybe there is a higher percentage of Hispanic women that are like this. Whichever it may be, you better believe that my future children will be taught to rely on themselves 1st instead of the opposite sex, marriage is a teamwork and there is no "Woman's Work".
Recently I have felt so lonely, might be the best way to put it. I want my friends to see things the way I do but I cant force them. Older co workers seem to get it more and my brother. I randomly added this page on Facebook called "Things Your Mom Never Told You" about 2 weeks later I saw that there was a YouTube channel of this. I automatically fell in love with Cristen's YouTube videos. The 1st 2 days my head would hurt after watching her videos because they are a bit short from 2-10 minutes. Her videos are about questions that subscribers ask. I love how she breaks it down psychologically and scientifically. Her weekly videos give me something to look forward to and made me feel that I am not alone in the way I think and or feel. That also got me interested in feminism (don't roll your eyes at me). Every time I mention Feminism I get this "ughhh" response and rolling eyes. You probably imagine the hardcore feminist woman that burns her bra, doesn't shave her legs and hates men. Reading on this topic and watching Cristen's videos helps me understand this movement a little bit better. Its not that women are better than men to me its about being treated like equals and helping people in general not just girls or women. I have experienced sexism in my life and even this year. Yes, in 2015.
This last weekend I went to Tijuana, México for my cousin's Mayra graduation from nursing school. I began talking to her about her dreams for the future and she is a very driven young woman. When we had some down time from eating tacos (which are amazing out there) and driving all over the city. We began to talk about men and the how some are threatened by successful women. She mentioned that her ex boyfriend would get upset about her going to school and working at a local hospital. Most of my generation of cousins are either living with a boyfriend or have kids. I am the oldest woman (26) on my fathers side that has no children. I just don't understand why our culture is in such a hurry to get married. So Mayra and I came to the conclusion that we will bet the older single aunts in the family that wont get married until we are in our 30's. For Mexican women that is old.
A while back I had a co worker that only dates Latinas tell me "You don't think like a most Latinas". I asked, "How do most Latinas think?" and he told me that the ones he had come across usually don't want to work, they stay home and want to be taken care of. I thought to myself wow is that the way we are seen? I'll just have some man take care of me? For as long as I can remember my mother always told me that she wants me to learn to survive on my own, so I don't have to rely on a man. I think this is more than just a cultural mind set, its really how you are raised but maybe there is a higher percentage of Hispanic women that are like this. Whichever it may be, you better believe that my future children will be taught to rely on themselves 1st instead of the opposite sex, marriage is a teamwork and there is no "Woman's Work".
Thursday, June 11, 2015
True Romance
My baby brother usually comes over to eat, but today he came to say bye. He's leaving tomorrow morning to Mexico. His girlfriend is coming back with him, he should only be gone about a week or so. Seeing my brother fall in love has been great and it has taught me a lot about a mans point of view as far as romance goes. I have been learning about "game" from my brother for over 10 years. He has always been "good with the ladies" if you know what I mean. And has always shared his wisdom with me. Could be one of the reason I like older men. I never really knew their level of game. I always felt that no matter how harsh or hard my brother was on the outside he always had a good heart and I fell like this way about a lot of people. They just don't know how to express themselves.
For memorial weekend my brother and I went to Banning (about 70 miles from here) to hangout with our cousins. On the drive we got to talk about love and relationships. I let him know how great its been seeing him just be in love. I have seen love affect his others relationships. For example back when I had "The last date with Jojo" (older blog) I was waiting to get picked up for my date and he told me "So is he coming upstairs to meet us?" I was shocked hearing these words come out of my little brothers mouth! For as long as I can remembered he has never cared about my dating life. So I just told him "Ha-ha no". He is actually interested and cares about who I will be hanging out with.
A little over a month ago I had a friend come over we will call him Sheriff Woody and we watched True Romance, you know the one with Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette. Yes I know lots of crazy stuff goes on in the movie but beneath all it he goes and "rescues" her from where she was in life. She is that ride or die girl, that I think most men want. I'm looking at this whole situation with my brother as very symbolic. So when I hugged him and said good bye I kissed him and said "Go get your bride." He's traveling hundreds of miles to another country to get his girlfriend and bringing her back with him, if that doesn't equal romance to you then I don't know what will. I know If a man did that for me I'd marry him! This is real life get real and we aren't living in a fairytale. We have to heave realistic expectations when it comes to love or at least to be able to identify it. You have to have had experienced heartbreak to truly appreciate your 2nd chance at love. I can honestly say that both my brother and I have gone through that, but he dealt with in a different way.
I am still keeping an eye out for love I know they say that it will come when I least suspect it and I have come to the conclusion that I will be single for a GOOD WHILE. This is why I don't take men on dating websites seriously anymore. Dating websites are only potential hook ups. As women we think with our emotions well most of us anyways. We have to be able to separate emotions and actions. I don't know about you but it has been very hard for me. I know some women may perceive me as heartless. I can assure you that I am not but only few friends can actually see that.
Men use our feelings against us I'm only referring to the ones with bad intentions aka the pimps, players or Mujeriegos as my mom calls them. To protect ourselves we have to stop thinking with feelings and start reading between the lines. If I knew what I know now about men it would have saved me a lot of heartache but it is what it is. Of coarse there are extremes to this rule just like anything else. My brother, Big B and Mark have taught me so much about "The Game". That's how men brag by the women they get. Mr. B told me he was so good back in the day that a woman bough him a car. Take a moment to thinks about the level he must have been hustling for that to happen. If your a girl reading this think about a guy you may be talking to or getting to know now. Then ask yourself what level girl are you?
The things that you let a man get away with determine the level that you are on. This is the unfortunate game that we have to learn how to play if we don't want to get hurt or the game you play to get what you want. Some people catch on quick and others keep making the same mistakes. We have to really look at the big picture and learn how to protect ourselves from men and or women just passing through. Because women can be just as bad and or worse than men. I'm not saying I'm perfect because I am not .I've broken some hearts without intention.
The world is filled with a lot of people that just cant or don't want to express how they really feel. I really don't care, I am who I am and if you want to try and use that against me I might just flip it back on you. I still believe in good people with good intentions.
For memorial weekend my brother and I went to Banning (about 70 miles from here) to hangout with our cousins. On the drive we got to talk about love and relationships. I let him know how great its been seeing him just be in love. I have seen love affect his others relationships. For example back when I had "The last date with Jojo" (older blog) I was waiting to get picked up for my date and he told me "So is he coming upstairs to meet us?" I was shocked hearing these words come out of my little brothers mouth! For as long as I can remembered he has never cared about my dating life. So I just told him "Ha-ha no". He is actually interested and cares about who I will be hanging out with.
A little over a month ago I had a friend come over we will call him Sheriff Woody and we watched True Romance, you know the one with Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette. Yes I know lots of crazy stuff goes on in the movie but beneath all it he goes and "rescues" her from where she was in life. She is that ride or die girl, that I think most men want. I'm looking at this whole situation with my brother as very symbolic. So when I hugged him and said good bye I kissed him and said "Go get your bride." He's traveling hundreds of miles to another country to get his girlfriend and bringing her back with him, if that doesn't equal romance to you then I don't know what will. I know If a man did that for me I'd marry him! This is real life get real and we aren't living in a fairytale. We have to heave realistic expectations when it comes to love or at least to be able to identify it. You have to have had experienced heartbreak to truly appreciate your 2nd chance at love. I can honestly say that both my brother and I have gone through that, but he dealt with in a different way.
I am still keeping an eye out for love I know they say that it will come when I least suspect it and I have come to the conclusion that I will be single for a GOOD WHILE. This is why I don't take men on dating websites seriously anymore. Dating websites are only potential hook ups. As women we think with our emotions well most of us anyways. We have to be able to separate emotions and actions. I don't know about you but it has been very hard for me. I know some women may perceive me as heartless. I can assure you that I am not but only few friends can actually see that.
Men use our feelings against us I'm only referring to the ones with bad intentions aka the pimps, players or Mujeriegos as my mom calls them. To protect ourselves we have to stop thinking with feelings and start reading between the lines. If I knew what I know now about men it would have saved me a lot of heartache but it is what it is. Of coarse there are extremes to this rule just like anything else. My brother, Big B and Mark have taught me so much about "The Game". That's how men brag by the women they get. Mr. B told me he was so good back in the day that a woman bough him a car. Take a moment to thinks about the level he must have been hustling for that to happen. If your a girl reading this think about a guy you may be talking to or getting to know now. Then ask yourself what level girl are you?
The things that you let a man get away with determine the level that you are on. This is the unfortunate game that we have to learn how to play if we don't want to get hurt or the game you play to get what you want. Some people catch on quick and others keep making the same mistakes. We have to really look at the big picture and learn how to protect ourselves from men and or women just passing through. Because women can be just as bad and or worse than men. I'm not saying I'm perfect because I am not .I've broken some hearts without intention.
The world is filled with a lot of people that just cant or don't want to express how they really feel. I really don't care, I am who I am and if you want to try and use that against me I might just flip it back on you. I still believe in good people with good intentions.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
I hate Crying
Today was one of those days that I just wanted to disappear! I missed work Monday and Tuesday because my pancreas has been acting up again being awake was just painful. I wake up today, dragging myself out of bed. As soon as I'm about to get on the main street to head to work my car finally gives out. Gas pedal just wasn't doing anything. I had to text my manager and I'm sure by now she doesn't even believe me she didn't even reply. So I keep trying to turn on he car and my mom starts freaking out when I'm on the phone with AAA. Thank goodness I didn't have to pay for the tow and it was around the corner from my house. And it didn't hurt that the tow truck guy was totally handsome and very talkative. Getting to work things really didn't get any better I showed up an hour late with no make up (which is extremely rare for me). As soon as I got out of the car I started crying not because I didn't have car but my dad thought it was a good idea to scold me about my weight. I love him and I know I can always count on him, he did give my mother a ride to and from work today. As soon as he asked my why I had missed work and my pancreas was up for discussion he started saying "You are so fat, you've been gaining weight and u say you don't eat fast food. You should have lost at least 50 lbs by now blah blah". All this was said in Spanish which hurt even more and it was my dad telling me all this it just broke me. Sometimes I hesitate on telling him stuff like that because I hate being spoken to like a child! Imp 26 and yes maybe I haven't made the best choices food wise but I'm really trying the best I can as far as food goes exercise is another thing. As soon as I sit at my desk Big B (my cool lead) says "Garcia" in a very caring tone and that just make cry even more! I know he wants to help but if I start talking about how upset I really am I'll be crying for a fucken hour!
This is a topic I have avoided blogging about because its so damn hard for me. I can honestly say that out of all obstacles I have had in my life so far my weight has definitely been the most difficult. I always start and get pumped but something emotional happens (good or bad) and I fall off the wagon. This time I really don't have that option, falling off the wagon equals pain and its just not worth it anymore.
I have been struggling with weight since I was about 8 years old, that's kind of when I started gaining weight but I didn't notice that I was bigger and in 5th grade when we all had to get weight before we promoted to middle school. I have really let my weight stop me from doing a lot of things in life. Things that I have avoided in the last 16 years because of my weight amusement parks because not fitting on a ride isn't embarrassing enough in front of all those people (yes it has happened). Getting up to serve myself seconds in public because of coarse the fat girl wants to eat more that happened at camp when I was 10 the server told me "I knew you would come for seconds." I didn't think about it much but that really hurt. And oh yes being weighed! I have improved on these in the last 4 years. Therapy has really taught e to love myself as a person. Still working on the physical.
I have become a bit more fashionable of coarse having a better paying job has helped a lot with that but it can still be hard there is way more options now compared to when I was in high school. I am more comfortable in my skin but that doesn't mean I want to stay fat. My ideal weight is about 160-180 lbs. and if that seems big or fat to you that just goes to show you that I am a big girl and yes I am working on that. I will blog about this on and off, my weight is a big part of my life. I have to be strict with myself and pick up new habits because I want to be the best me I can be inside and out and these are habits/qualities to my future children well if I even have any.
This is a topic I have avoided blogging about because its so damn hard for me. I can honestly say that out of all obstacles I have had in my life so far my weight has definitely been the most difficult. I always start and get pumped but something emotional happens (good or bad) and I fall off the wagon. This time I really don't have that option, falling off the wagon equals pain and its just not worth it anymore.
I have been struggling with weight since I was about 8 years old, that's kind of when I started gaining weight but I didn't notice that I was bigger and in 5th grade when we all had to get weight before we promoted to middle school. I have really let my weight stop me from doing a lot of things in life. Things that I have avoided in the last 16 years because of my weight amusement parks because not fitting on a ride isn't embarrassing enough in front of all those people (yes it has happened). Getting up to serve myself seconds in public because of coarse the fat girl wants to eat more that happened at camp when I was 10 the server told me "I knew you would come for seconds." I didn't think about it much but that really hurt. And oh yes being weighed! I have improved on these in the last 4 years. Therapy has really taught e to love myself as a person. Still working on the physical.
I have become a bit more fashionable of coarse having a better paying job has helped a lot with that but it can still be hard there is way more options now compared to when I was in high school. I am more comfortable in my skin but that doesn't mean I want to stay fat. My ideal weight is about 160-180 lbs. and if that seems big or fat to you that just goes to show you that I am a big girl and yes I am working on that. I will blog about this on and off, my weight is a big part of my life. I have to be strict with myself and pick up new habits because I want to be the best me I can be inside and out and these are habits/qualities to my future children well if I even have any.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Happy 50th Birthday!
Yesterday was my mothers 50th birthday, suddenly 50 doesn't seem so old. I'm glad that I am at a point in my life that we can enjoy each others company. Although things weren't always like this, we spent some years apart. My mom moved away very abruptly when I was 18 that was April of 2007 right after her birthday. It took me a long time to adjust, it was horribly hard for me. I mean my mom had always been there even when my parents split and moved apart when I was 13, my mom and I stayed together. If it wasn't for 2 great friends, I don't know what would of become from me of coarse they helped me the best they could. Getting out of that house wasn't so hard physically anyway. My father worked all day my brother was 17. We took advantage of it, by that point I had dropped out of high school. Our friends would ditch and go to the house that had no parental supervision. It took me a couple months to realize why I felt so depressed, I missed my mom. even at 18 that made me develop some abandonment issues.
My mother moved back in Sept 2011. I thought that it was weird that people though I would run into moving in with her as soon as she came back. I'm not that type of person and I was still a bit hurt not going to lie. After about a year or so my mother started suggesting that we all move in together with my brother. As much as I love both of them I automatically said no. I had already established a stable living situation. I was not about to throw that away. Especially when she would get frustrated and say things like "I'm so annoyed of everything, I'm just going to leave somewhere and never come back!" I would just agree but hope she didn't do that again. She ended up moving in with my brother late spring of 2013. I knew I didn't want to move in with them. After the lease was up and they moved into a small room, my mother kept asking me why I didn't want to move in with her and I had to tell her. I still remember the car ride. It was an early Sunday morning and we were headed to the bank to get money to start our usual weekend rounds. I told her "I don't want to move in with you because I don't want to get stuck with a lease if you decide to just take off again." One of the hardest sentences I've even had to tell anyone. So for 2 years you could say I was testing her to see if she was really serious about staying, sounds funny when you think about it I'm the daughter and she's the mother not the other way around.
We have been living together now for about 5 moths next week and yes she may get on my nerves sometimes but what parent doesn't? Those 7 years apart really helped me realize how much I love her. I took her to the movies for the first time yesterday and as we were walking in she said something that made my heart warm up, "I used to take you to the movies now you bring me." It definitely wont be the last! I know my mother wont be around forever but I am glad I can take the moment to appreciate the time I do have with her. The day that she leaves this earth I don't want to have any regrets and in my heart I will know that I enjoyed my time with her as much as I could.
She's more than just my mom she's my best friend and I cannot wait to have a daughter to share this amazing relationship with. But I know if I didn't forgive my mother for leaving this connection we have now would not be possible. I recall someone telling me that they were a bit jealous of my relationship with my mother so I asked her "Will you forgive your mother for the things she's done to you?" her answer was "No." I hope one day this person learns how to forgive. We need to enjoy what is happening now because things will never be the same ever again.
Happy 50th Birthday Mami! (I can hear her snoring as I type this ha-ha)
My mother moved back in Sept 2011. I thought that it was weird that people though I would run into moving in with her as soon as she came back. I'm not that type of person and I was still a bit hurt not going to lie. After about a year or so my mother started suggesting that we all move in together with my brother. As much as I love both of them I automatically said no. I had already established a stable living situation. I was not about to throw that away. Especially when she would get frustrated and say things like "I'm so annoyed of everything, I'm just going to leave somewhere and never come back!" I would just agree but hope she didn't do that again. She ended up moving in with my brother late spring of 2013. I knew I didn't want to move in with them. After the lease was up and they moved into a small room, my mother kept asking me why I didn't want to move in with her and I had to tell her. I still remember the car ride. It was an early Sunday morning and we were headed to the bank to get money to start our usual weekend rounds. I told her "I don't want to move in with you because I don't want to get stuck with a lease if you decide to just take off again." One of the hardest sentences I've even had to tell anyone. So for 2 years you could say I was testing her to see if she was really serious about staying, sounds funny when you think about it I'm the daughter and she's the mother not the other way around.
We have been living together now for about 5 moths next week and yes she may get on my nerves sometimes but what parent doesn't? Those 7 years apart really helped me realize how much I love her. I took her to the movies for the first time yesterday and as we were walking in she said something that made my heart warm up, "I used to take you to the movies now you bring me." It definitely wont be the last! I know my mother wont be around forever but I am glad I can take the moment to appreciate the time I do have with her. The day that she leaves this earth I don't want to have any regrets and in my heart I will know that I enjoyed my time with her as much as I could.
She's more than just my mom she's my best friend and I cannot wait to have a daughter to share this amazing relationship with. But I know if I didn't forgive my mother for leaving this connection we have now would not be possible. I recall someone telling me that they were a bit jealous of my relationship with my mother so I asked her "Will you forgive your mother for the things she's done to you?" her answer was "No." I hope one day this person learns how to forgive. We need to enjoy what is happening now because things will never be the same ever again.
Happy 50th Birthday Mami! (I can hear her snoring as I type this ha-ha)
I think this was my 3rd birthday Dec1991
October 2013 Downtown Santa Ana, CA (Omg at a bar with my mom!)
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
I love you
Mark and I have become great friends these last 4 months well at least that's what I thought. Recently we talk on the phone almost every day. We have definitely become closer. He talks to me about who he's dating and or smashing these days. And I tell him how I feel about certain men. As I was waiting from him to get off a phone call so we could talk before I go to bed he tells me that we wont be able to talk tonight. Which was fine I had already taken cough medicine and was waiting for it to knock me out. He though I was upset when I text him "Okay. Good Night" few seconds later he replies and says "Yes you are" once I again I text back the same line. After that he tells me " OK well, I love you. Good Night". I didn't know what to say it totally caught me off guard. Is this guy really falling for me? Maybe it was an accident? Maybe he thought he was talking to another girl? So I asked "Do you randomly tell people you love them?" He said "No" and just ended up saying goodnight I didn't want to continue questioning him. Then I thought this is the 2nd time I have been told those words in the last year but unfortunate they didn't come from the one I wanted. It made me reminisce for a quick second of things that once were and will never be.
El Terco now Mark, I don't want to hurt anyone or cause them any pain. This is one of the reasons I freak out and block men out of my life. Is being honest just as bad as blocking them? I've blocked Mark once before and he said it hurt him a lot so I decided we could be friends. I know I'm amazing (nervous laugh) but heartbreaker is not on my resume these days. I don't know what I am going to do about this one. I have to stop being scared and blocking guys but I cant lie either. I guess ill just be honest and play it by ear.
Medicine is kicking in. Good night.
El Terco now Mark, I don't want to hurt anyone or cause them any pain. This is one of the reasons I freak out and block men out of my life. Is being honest just as bad as blocking them? I've blocked Mark once before and he said it hurt him a lot so I decided we could be friends. I know I'm amazing (nervous laugh) but heartbreaker is not on my resume these days. I don't know what I am going to do about this one. I have to stop being scared and blocking guys but I cant lie either. I guess ill just be honest and play it by ear.
Medicine is kicking in. Good night.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Engaged!!!!!
When I worked at Western Dental 3 years ago I met a great friend, Iliana. She was and still is one of the most wonderful persons I have met. Back in April 2012 Ili was turning 26 and she was were I am now well as far as dealing with an old love. Even after leaving WD we kept in touch.
Yesterday she text me and told me she was engaged to her boyfriend well now fiancé . I was so happy and filled with warm gooey love there was a small tear in my eye. I felt so exited because I see part of her in me. All the things I have been going through this last year reminded me of what she had gone through some years back. This wonderful news filled me with hope again. Here is this great, smart, tough, sweet woman that has gone through worse than I have in the love department and she's found her happiness with a wonderful man that treats her the way I always knew she deserved.
It wasn't until later that night when I was texting with Mark that I began to cry. I just started thinking about my love life or the lack of it recently. Hearing someone tell you that they love you is great but I can only imagine what it must feel like coming from the man you love. I am yet to know what that's like. I know I'm not in competition with anyone but no one likes to feel like they are being left behind, that's just human nature I guess. Just because I feel that way doesn't mean I'm going to ruin her happiness. I am honored that she wants my help with her wedding I've never done this before and I'm sure it will be a wonderful learning experience filled with tears of happiness! I'm looking at this like I'm helping this young wonderful couple start their life together in some small way. Everything I'm going through will be worth it but I cant help think, What is my future husband up to right now? Probably masturbating! LOL
After telling my co worker Molly how I felt about these recent events she told me " I believe that we have to go through the bad relationships to truly value the one we are meant to have." I know she's been through her share of pain and her words give me a sense of calmness and patience. My Meri-Tech Mom ha-ha. I also had a bit of a heart with my friend Ed and he asked me "Do you remember that night in my room?" I rolled my eyes and looked the other way and said "yes" like a teenage girl that is about to get yelled at. And he followed by asking me "If you and I would have gotten together way back then, do you think we would still be together?" I'll admit I've always though Ed was fairly handsome and what I admired most about him was his respect towards me. I had to be honest to him so I told him the truth and said "No, I would of fucked it up and we would probably not even be friends now." Both of these people made me think that its okay that I've messed up and that I'm actually learning and growing from all this, just reassures me that I am doing things the way that feel correct within my heart. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be all I am doing is being true to myself.
Yesterday she text me and told me she was engaged to her boyfriend well now fiancé . I was so happy and filled with warm gooey love there was a small tear in my eye. I felt so exited because I see part of her in me. All the things I have been going through this last year reminded me of what she had gone through some years back. This wonderful news filled me with hope again. Here is this great, smart, tough, sweet woman that has gone through worse than I have in the love department and she's found her happiness with a wonderful man that treats her the way I always knew she deserved.
It wasn't until later that night when I was texting with Mark that I began to cry. I just started thinking about my love life or the lack of it recently. Hearing someone tell you that they love you is great but I can only imagine what it must feel like coming from the man you love. I am yet to know what that's like. I know I'm not in competition with anyone but no one likes to feel like they are being left behind, that's just human nature I guess. Just because I feel that way doesn't mean I'm going to ruin her happiness. I am honored that she wants my help with her wedding I've never done this before and I'm sure it will be a wonderful learning experience filled with tears of happiness! I'm looking at this like I'm helping this young wonderful couple start their life together in some small way. Everything I'm going through will be worth it but I cant help think, What is my future husband up to right now? Probably masturbating! LOL
After telling my co worker Molly how I felt about these recent events she told me " I believe that we have to go through the bad relationships to truly value the one we are meant to have." I know she's been through her share of pain and her words give me a sense of calmness and patience. My Meri-Tech Mom ha-ha. I also had a bit of a heart with my friend Ed and he asked me "Do you remember that night in my room?" I rolled my eyes and looked the other way and said "yes" like a teenage girl that is about to get yelled at. And he followed by asking me "If you and I would have gotten together way back then, do you think we would still be together?" I'll admit I've always though Ed was fairly handsome and what I admired most about him was his respect towards me. I had to be honest to him so I told him the truth and said "No, I would of fucked it up and we would probably not even be friends now." Both of these people made me think that its okay that I've messed up and that I'm actually learning and growing from all this, just reassures me that I am doing things the way that feel correct within my heart. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be all I am doing is being true to myself.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Feo
A year ago today I called you and said I didn't want to do this anymore. We always agreed that if either of us wanted out of the relationship we would speak up and be civil about it. I never thought that even by being civil my heart would be broken. I've had heartache in the past but Heartbreak doesn't even begin to compare. I know that we weren't in each others very long, I mean 9 months hardly seems long enough . It took me 6 weeks to admit to myself that I loved you but I didn't tell you until the last time I saw you with tears and mascara running down my face. I remember the night so clearly you were wearing a gray wife beater and black shorts. I hugged you as hard as I could because deep down inside I knew that this was good bye. I ended up having to break up with you over the phone a week and a half later. It was too hard to do in person.
I met FEO (that was his nickname) June 14th 2013 back when I had my bright red hair. We had been talking for 2 weeks. You had mentioned that you wanted to watch Fast and the Furious 6. So I asked who you would be going with and you said no one, so I offered to go with you. You actually said yes so I couldn't back down. I was so nervous to meet you I don't know why I had been doing the online dating for 2 years. I remember I even went to go wash my car, and I cried because the drive through car was wasn't working. I went home in a hurry and got ready. I still remember the 1st time I saw you, and I thought; oh fuck he looked way hotter in his pictures but it was too late to turn back. So you got in my car, the parking lot at Century Theaters was packed we drove around but ended up leaving. The whole time I was driving I didn't even look over at you I was so nervous! As I kept driving you said "Why haven't you looked at me?" and I told you "I don't know I'm nervous." It was at that moment that you grabbed my hand and I just thought "oh shit" It just felt so nice and calming. We ended up finding a movie theater in Garden Grove. As soon as I got out of the car and came around to your side you hugged me and as we walked in you put your arm around my waist. I felt like it was too soon but didn't say anything because it felt nice even from the beginning you made me feel so safe and comfortable. We didn't watch most of the movie you, that first kiss was the start of something that would completely turn my world upside down.
After the movie I drove you home because you had something to do the next day. Looking back now I have no idea what we spoke about but I knew we didn't shut up. As we kissed good bye you were about to get out of my car you honked my Fucken boob and you literally said "HONK HONK!" I shrieked out "SERIUOUSLY!!!" and pushed you off me all you said " I just wanted to see how far I could get." I let you know it wasn't going to be that easy. As I drove away seconds after you started walking away and I stepped on the gas I knew this one is going to hurt of coarse at that time I had no idea much.
I didn't know what it was about you that dragged me in like a fucken magnet, you became my whole life I'm embarrassed to admit but I was so head over heels in love with you.I love dthe way you could talk to anyone, you had this amazing sense of adventure, you had fucken HUEVOS! You always asked me what I wanted before choosing were we would go that night or eat. I was so attracted to you in my eyes you were the hottest man alive! I loved how we always ended up the most random places Long Beach will never be the same without you.
My therapist had asked me some years before what is love and I didn't know how to answer that but now I knew I was the fucken definition of love. We kept seeing each other and I remember the night that I admitted to myself that I loved you. It was 6 weeks after we met, you had worked that whole day at your LA job. That was the night you opened up to me you were ashamed and scared to tell me. I told you I didn't care and that I accept you how you are. One of reason I feel for you so hard was because it took us 6 months to consummate the relationship. Here is this man that wanted to keep hanging out with me and wanted more than sex. Its sad to say but its the truth. You also took me everywhere I wanted to go! I've lived in SoCal my whole life but I never explored LA. You put Artesia on the map for me and I am never going to forget it. Sometimes I wish it didn't end but I lost myself in the relationship I lost who I had worked so hard to become. Nothing can take away the pain I went through after the break up only and the depression I went through only time can make it feel less painful. I think ill always miss you.
Every time I hear your name its bitter sweet I get a flash of all the good times we had together and a small sting of the ending. Even though we tried to get back together 3 months after the fact in which I was going through depression eating and sleeping 12 hours a day. It wasn't the same for me even though you told me it felt like no time had passed. Something did change and it was me. I was more mad than sad during the 2nd break up. We had hardly spoken in 2 weeks and all you did was text me and said " I cant do this anymore I'm sorry I dragged you along whatever we had is now over and done with." Just like that not even a call. It made me feel that you only got back with me to break up with me like you were upset with me for leaving the 1st time. Even if I am wrong that's how it felt. I know we will never see each other again its very unlikely. Its been a year and I have to let all this go all I will have left are the memories good and bad. I learned so much from this whole thing called love. I learned that I did love you with all my heart but I love me more you didn't love me and its okay. I will never force a man to be with me. There's so much of you that's still with me like drinking Jack Daniels Honey with Sprite I hated whiskey before you, saying SHUUUSH all the damn time and even rooting for the Dodgers. I hope you never go through what I went through I don't want you to suffer I wish you the best in life bye Feo
I met FEO (that was his nickname) June 14th 2013 back when I had my bright red hair. We had been talking for 2 weeks. You had mentioned that you wanted to watch Fast and the Furious 6. So I asked who you would be going with and you said no one, so I offered to go with you. You actually said yes so I couldn't back down. I was so nervous to meet you I don't know why I had been doing the online dating for 2 years. I remember I even went to go wash my car, and I cried because the drive through car was wasn't working. I went home in a hurry and got ready. I still remember the 1st time I saw you, and I thought; oh fuck he looked way hotter in his pictures but it was too late to turn back. So you got in my car, the parking lot at Century Theaters was packed we drove around but ended up leaving. The whole time I was driving I didn't even look over at you I was so nervous! As I kept driving you said "Why haven't you looked at me?" and I told you "I don't know I'm nervous." It was at that moment that you grabbed my hand and I just thought "oh shit" It just felt so nice and calming. We ended up finding a movie theater in Garden Grove. As soon as I got out of the car and came around to your side you hugged me and as we walked in you put your arm around my waist. I felt like it was too soon but didn't say anything because it felt nice even from the beginning you made me feel so safe and comfortable. We didn't watch most of the movie you, that first kiss was the start of something that would completely turn my world upside down.
After the movie I drove you home because you had something to do the next day. Looking back now I have no idea what we spoke about but I knew we didn't shut up. As we kissed good bye you were about to get out of my car you honked my Fucken boob and you literally said "HONK HONK!" I shrieked out "SERIUOUSLY!!!" and pushed you off me all you said " I just wanted to see how far I could get." I let you know it wasn't going to be that easy. As I drove away seconds after you started walking away and I stepped on the gas I knew this one is going to hurt of coarse at that time I had no idea much.
I didn't know what it was about you that dragged me in like a fucken magnet, you became my whole life I'm embarrassed to admit but I was so head over heels in love with you.I love dthe way you could talk to anyone, you had this amazing sense of adventure, you had fucken HUEVOS! You always asked me what I wanted before choosing were we would go that night or eat. I was so attracted to you in my eyes you were the hottest man alive! I loved how we always ended up the most random places Long Beach will never be the same without you.
My therapist had asked me some years before what is love and I didn't know how to answer that but now I knew I was the fucken definition of love. We kept seeing each other and I remember the night that I admitted to myself that I loved you. It was 6 weeks after we met, you had worked that whole day at your LA job. That was the night you opened up to me you were ashamed and scared to tell me. I told you I didn't care and that I accept you how you are. One of reason I feel for you so hard was because it took us 6 months to consummate the relationship. Here is this man that wanted to keep hanging out with me and wanted more than sex. Its sad to say but its the truth. You also took me everywhere I wanted to go! I've lived in SoCal my whole life but I never explored LA. You put Artesia on the map for me and I am never going to forget it. Sometimes I wish it didn't end but I lost myself in the relationship I lost who I had worked so hard to become. Nothing can take away the pain I went through after the break up only and the depression I went through only time can make it feel less painful. I think ill always miss you.
Every time I hear your name its bitter sweet I get a flash of all the good times we had together and a small sting of the ending. Even though we tried to get back together 3 months after the fact in which I was going through depression eating and sleeping 12 hours a day. It wasn't the same for me even though you told me it felt like no time had passed. Something did change and it was me. I was more mad than sad during the 2nd break up. We had hardly spoken in 2 weeks and all you did was text me and said " I cant do this anymore I'm sorry I dragged you along whatever we had is now over and done with." Just like that not even a call. It made me feel that you only got back with me to break up with me like you were upset with me for leaving the 1st time. Even if I am wrong that's how it felt. I know we will never see each other again its very unlikely. Its been a year and I have to let all this go all I will have left are the memories good and bad. I learned so much from this whole thing called love. I learned that I did love you with all my heart but I love me more you didn't love me and its okay. I will never force a man to be with me. There's so much of you that's still with me like drinking Jack Daniels Honey with Sprite I hated whiskey before you, saying SHUUUSH all the damn time and even rooting for the Dodgers. I hope you never go through what I went through I don't want you to suffer I wish you the best in life bye Feo
Friday, March 27, 2015
Black Sheeps
I like photographing my family when they least suspect it. Yes, I am the annoying one always taking random pictures. My best photographs of them aren't posed, the best pictures are the unexpected ones. My brother Dennis or "Deni" as my mom and I call him would seem to get annoyed when I bust out my phone or start recording. It wasn't until I hung up old pictures of the family and friends with clothes pins on twine that I feel that he really saw why I take so many pictures. To me its not just to look cute although a lot of them are but that's besides the point. I do it to capture life, that moment that we will all look upon years from now. I will some day say "That's your uncle Deni when he was young and crazy so full of dreams and hope feeling that anything is possible." That's what I see when I photograph my brother, he's my best model even though he might not know it.
There was a picture that got me thinking and because I love social experiments I started asking around the people I talk to what they really thought of this particular picture. The response was a lot more interesting than I thought. I asked two men that I had befriended on social media what came to mind when they saw the picture. Mark said it felt like home and he really liked it, it reminded him of growing up in South Central. I don't even remember the other guys name now but I do remember his comment, "It looks like they are up to no good, the guy oh the left has a remote to a bomb or something and they are probably going to explode up a car." I was very shocked at that 2nd comment I didn't know anyone could see my brother or perceive him in such a negative way. Yes, I know he isn't an angel but damn! I guess the way and or place where we grow up has a lot to with how we see even the simplest things. That second comment came from a guy that grew up in Fullerton, CA. I don't judge him on what he said I'm glad he told me the truth. In a way he shared with me where he came from just form his response.
When I see that picture I see my baby brother and my cousin Rey. They are two young men living together and finding their place in the world. They are together despite the efforts that were put into keeping them apart for most of their lives. I love seeing them together and I have started referring to Rey as a brother not just a cousin in my eyes I have two brothers now. He has joined the "black sheep's" of the family. At least on my moms side that's how we are perceived we are the ones that have single mothers and sons that have been to jail but its okay because we are true to ourselves.
What do you see?
There was a picture that got me thinking and because I love social experiments I started asking around the people I talk to what they really thought of this particular picture. The response was a lot more interesting than I thought. I asked two men that I had befriended on social media what came to mind when they saw the picture. Mark said it felt like home and he really liked it, it reminded him of growing up in South Central. I don't even remember the other guys name now but I do remember his comment, "It looks like they are up to no good, the guy oh the left has a remote to a bomb or something and they are probably going to explode up a car." I was very shocked at that 2nd comment I didn't know anyone could see my brother or perceive him in such a negative way. Yes, I know he isn't an angel but damn! I guess the way and or place where we grow up has a lot to with how we see even the simplest things. That second comment came from a guy that grew up in Fullerton, CA. I don't judge him on what he said I'm glad he told me the truth. In a way he shared with me where he came from just form his response.
When I see that picture I see my baby brother and my cousin Rey. They are two young men living together and finding their place in the world. They are together despite the efforts that were put into keeping them apart for most of their lives. I love seeing them together and I have started referring to Rey as a brother not just a cousin in my eyes I have two brothers now. He has joined the "black sheep's" of the family. At least on my moms side that's how we are perceived we are the ones that have single mothers and sons that have been to jail but its okay because we are true to ourselves.
What do you see?
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Dancing in the Rain
Some nights ago after I received a good night text from Mark, I cried myself to sleep. I had just sent a good night snap chat selfie and he texted "Sigh. What I wouldn't I give to wake up next to that every morning...hope your ex knows what he lost." The truth hurts more when someone that doesn't even know us points it out. Just that text made me feel the pain in my heart again, not as much as before but I could physically feel my shoulders and chest the raw soreness like If was being compressed and only taking a deep breath would calm it down. I cant remember the last time I cried that hard...its been at least 6 months. All I could think about when I was crying was how can this man I haven't even met yet express himself about me this way? Yes I know you might be thinking that I'm a dumbass for buying it . I usually discard/block men after 2 hours of talking to them you know break them down according to what they say etc. total defense mechanism. I mean after the break up I have been I'm major defense mode and it takes someone with A LOT of patience to keep my friendship. Its been 3 months that Mark and I started being friends. He is one of those people that don't judge or if he does he sure can hide it.
I saved Marks text because It hurt so bad and its a contestant reminder of a promise I have made to myself. I know I have to move past this but if it was that easy I would of done it already. I know I'm nowhere near being able to date or have feelings for a man. Mark is becoming a good friend but that's the way it is going to stay. I have some things lined up for next Wednesday.
A very important person gave me a small frame after moving into my new apartment that reads; Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain." by Vivian Green. It finally clicked, I haven't been dancing in the rain, I've been waiting for the storm to pass. It will be a year next Tuesday and the storm isn't over. I have to go dance in the rain and with time the storm will pass. Looking back at the last 12 months I feel like I have wasted a year of my life wanting something back that never belonged to me. The sadness will still peak certain days because of the curse of my hormones but I have to start living again.
I saved Marks text because It hurt so bad and its a contestant reminder of a promise I have made to myself. I know I have to move past this but if it was that easy I would of done it already. I know I'm nowhere near being able to date or have feelings for a man. Mark is becoming a good friend but that's the way it is going to stay. I have some things lined up for next Wednesday.
A very important person gave me a small frame after moving into my new apartment that reads; Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain." by Vivian Green. It finally clicked, I haven't been dancing in the rain, I've been waiting for the storm to pass. It will be a year next Tuesday and the storm isn't over. I have to go dance in the rain and with time the storm will pass. Looking back at the last 12 months I feel like I have wasted a year of my life wanting something back that never belonged to me. The sadness will still peak certain days because of the curse of my hormones but I have to start living again.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
The Last Date with JoJo
I took up JoJo on his offer to go out to dinner. I will admit he has been being persistent I think he started this whole asking me out back in November 2014. That was when I told him that I had been single since September. I was surprised he even asked . I didn’t turn him down to be a bitch or anything. I have still been somewhat hurt from the whole BIG HEARTBREAK of 2014. It was a rough year for me well emotionally; I also moved which was an even bigger deal. Hanging out with Jojowas a nice break from being home and not doing anything. He took me where we had our 1st date back in May of 2011, The Cheesecake Factory. He made me feel grounded; kind of reminded me how far I have come with dealing with everything, regular daily situations. Sometimes it’s weird when you hang out with a person you haven’t seen in so long, it kind of felt like no time had passed but honestly I don’t feel like that clueless 22 year old girl I was when I had 1st met him. Although I might have acted a bit younger, I was drunk during the whole date. When he had text me if I wanted to have dinner I had already had 2 tall cans and a beer. I know that one of the reasons I said yes was because I had been drinking. I know that sounds messed up but if you know me, you know that alcohol gives me a bit of temporary “balsyness” I just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes it sucks that sober Dee can’t be more like that. Being the adult I have become I just naturally do what I feel is right. I haven’t had fun like that in a while. Sitting in front of this cool guy again 4 years later made me realize that I might have chosen the wrong man. But you can’t go back and change the past all you can do is work with what you have in front t of you. Deep down I can admit that if I had chosen Jojo when I was younger I would have done him wrong, and maybe we wouldn’t even be friends now. In a way it’s good that I didn’t choose him.
Well that what the 1st date. About a month ago jojo asked me out again and I said yes. My mom had just gotten fired from her job that day. He picked me up and I let him know what was going on with my mother. His response upset me more than i led on, he said "Well what do you expect she's a temp." After he said that I knew the whole night would different. When we got to the movies and we're ordering at the bar he kind of started to make fun of the bartender because of his sexual orientation. That bothered me because here is a young man loving what he is doing and just because he is gay you are saying smart ass remarks.all I kept thinking was, you are out on a date with a girl you want to make your girlfriend and you act like this? Maybe JoJo didn't mean it that was but after the remark in the car, it just felt like maybe I'm not the type of girl he should be out on a date with. I don't know if he was trying to act tough or be a macho. I could totally be wrong. After talking to my cousins about this Ana told me " I kicked my ex out of my house for saying shit like that!" Okay I totally didn't over react. Just looked at the situation as a whole.
As he was diving me home, I tried to give him another chance and I said "I'm worried about my mom if she can't find i job I have to pay the rent." He asked how much I made I didn't want to tell him but I did just not to make things awkward. He replied " Oh you'll be fine." I just thought to myself there's more than just rent. Jojo has always been good to me ever since I met him and I appreciate his patience with me but that night I realized that we can never be more than what we are, just friends.
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