After my brothers announcement about getting married. This topic has been rolling around the old noggin'. A couple months ago I was feeling a bit sorry for myself as far as being left behind regarding this whole marriage and baby thing. Abby's sister will be getting married next month and so will my brother. I don't fee anxious or scared of being alone for a bit. I guess its due to the fact of Podcast. Listening to the one titled "All the Single Ladies" just gave me so much comfort. I don't feel the need to go out and look for a boyfriend or partner. In my culture being my age and single with no intention of wanting to marry is a bit taboo. Another thing that has encouraged this attitude of not wanting marriage just yet has been because I'm single.
The 1st time I listened to this podcast about 8 weeks ago. I was completely sucked in! The fear of people all around the world on this "Eternal Singlehood" Is fascinating to me. I have been this person in the past but I have been teaching myself to catch those thoughts and say something positive about that specific situation. Being married and having a family isn't for everyone. We can live fulfilling lives without those things and we shouldn't judge other that live differently than us. The fear that has been imbedded in us for living outside what's expected, is a bit sad. I guess I've had some feminine ideas within myself without even knowing it. Some years ago I posted a status that read: "Is the only thing that little girls have to look forward to in life is becoming a mommy and wife?" Most of the replies were yes. I couldn't help but ask myself why? I find it very hard to accept this just because that's the way its supposed to be? I want to be a mother and wife because I choose to not because I have to. I've noticed this behavior in other aspects of my personality. I do understand that some people don't have the means to be single and sometimes do it for financial reasons. That is why marriage was started anyways. Marrying for love is still somewhat new. I do wish to have a child one day and its more than just my biological instinct. I want to share my knowledge give them more than what I had I want to pass something that can be bought, but for the time being I am enjoying the time I have to myself. I want to have the relationship that my mother and I have to a certain point. I have learned to be alone without feeling lonely. I have started blogging, having pen pals and even found feminism.
One day I would like to get married an have a family but its not number one thing on my list at the moment. I'm not going to just sit abound and wait for Mr. Right. If for any reason that does not happen it will be okay because I will have developed interests and other relationships. I don't want to fall under the category of getting married because I have to or because its what your supposed to do.
Keeping it short tonight. FYI I started my psychology class last night and I cant wait for us to do the dream activity! Women's studies is tomorrow, wish me luck!
Good night to anyone actually reading my blogs!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Positive Relationships
Self love can be seen in many different ways. Some may consider it pampering yourself; getting a pedicure or going shopping, although I do enjoy those things. Self love as far as relationships has reshaped my whole way of thinking and living life. I started with evaluating all my relationships. I started noticing and separating myself from people that just aren't that happy with themselves and their lives. When you truly are happy for someone else's good news or accomplishments you congratulate them. You don't say things like that s great BUT. If you are going to say but right after a compliment or congratulations you really aren't happy for that person. The hardest self love I've had to do is distance myself from people that I love. You have to do what's right for you and love yourself. Those are the people that try to put me down when I'm happy. The ones that will always find something negative to say. Although, I do understand the intention of wanting to help. I just don't work that way. Choose your word wisely because they can be very powerful. Every time some one gives me good news I try and give positive feedback.
I cant be around people that have just given up on life. No matter how hard it gets we have the power to overcome anything life throws at us. And even when I'm down I tell myself that life is a gift and I have to make the best of it. Even when I'm freaking out and calling my friends sobbing or cry on my mommies chest, once I let it out I can move forward. Cutting back on unhappy people has really brought my stress level down. Less drama less stress equals a happier more concentrated Me. I have also learned that I cant change everyone and some of these people just don't know how to function without misery. If you can admit that you've made a mistake, you will be able to grow as a person. Otherwise you will always blame others for your mistakes and misfortunes.
So my goal for all new relationships is to have a positive common ground. Instead of things like abandonment issues or depression. I need to befriend people that have chosen a similar path, as myself like; self love, empowering others, looking at life as a gift, having healthy outlets for sadness. That's how you lower negative and increase positive in life, its all about the relationships that you have with those around you.
I cant be around people that have just given up on life. No matter how hard it gets we have the power to overcome anything life throws at us. And even when I'm down I tell myself that life is a gift and I have to make the best of it. Even when I'm freaking out and calling my friends sobbing or cry on my mommies chest, once I let it out I can move forward. Cutting back on unhappy people has really brought my stress level down. Less drama less stress equals a happier more concentrated Me. I have also learned that I cant change everyone and some of these people just don't know how to function without misery. If you can admit that you've made a mistake, you will be able to grow as a person. Otherwise you will always blame others for your mistakes and misfortunes.
So my goal for all new relationships is to have a positive common ground. Instead of things like abandonment issues or depression. I need to befriend people that have chosen a similar path, as myself like; self love, empowering others, looking at life as a gift, having healthy outlets for sadness. That's how you lower negative and increase positive in life, its all about the relationships that you have with those around you.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
School's Back In Session
I was always very quiet in school. I just kind of tend to shut down and keep to myself in crows or groups of people. Kinder, 1st and 2nd grade where fine, It took me a bit to learn how to read but I got the hang of it. I still remember that feeling of the light bulb going off in my head an thinking to myself, oh my god I get it! So up to this point everything I learned was still in Spanish because my parents only spoke Spanish. Returning to school for 3rd grade I felt so confident and ready to learn and actually know what was going on. To my surprise everything had changed, we would only be taught in English. No more breaking up the kids into Spanish speakers and English speakers. Although I'm glad this was done, I just wish I would have been taught English from the beginning but then I wouldn't know how to read or write in Spanish. I didn't know then how this small change would affect the rest of my life. ( just stepped away for a second and my brother and his girlfriend will be getting married next month)
It took me a while to get used to the fact that everything would be in English. I didn't learn to speak it until 4th grade. Third grade was when I stopped going outside to play and started eating. I always new something had changed at that time for me and it was always in the back of my head. I kept struggling in school and floated onto the next grade. By the time I would get a hold of something we were already be moving onto the next. M y parents couldn't really help me with homework, they only spoke Spanish. I felt so stupid that I could never keep up. This feeling lasted about 18 years. Eighth grade English was the hardest subject for me all these commas, adjectives and adverbs threw me off. Even now I struggle with all this.
It wasn't until summer of 2013 that I made the connections. It seems so easy and simple now. I remember having this breakthrough in therapy. I came home and ripped down all my posters and took off my green leopard comforter. Abby was really confused that I had done all this, I tried explaining but se thought it was because of FEO. I just felt like I didn't need all these things in my walls in my room filling this odd emptiness. I had these things because I had a hard time defining myself. I realized that my belongings don't define me, I define myself. That has been one of the best breakthroughs I have had in therapy to date.
I dropped out of school in 2007 I was 18. When I started my GED classes I was so scared that I wouldn't pass but I made it by 2 points I was so proud of myself at 22 I got my GED. After getting stabilized with wok and home I'm happy to say that I will finally be starting college at 26 years old. I know I have a long way to go but giving up is not an option for me. I start my 1st class on the 25th and my favorite subject Psychology! I will also be taking Women's Studies I just cant wait to start learning. I didn't know how I would get to college but I always knew wanted to go. This is a huge step for me and I am really nervous about starting something I know little about. I know it wont be easy but If I have to take a class 2 or 3 times I will do it!
It took me a while to get used to the fact that everything would be in English. I didn't learn to speak it until 4th grade. Third grade was when I stopped going outside to play and started eating. I always new something had changed at that time for me and it was always in the back of my head. I kept struggling in school and floated onto the next grade. By the time I would get a hold of something we were already be moving onto the next. M y parents couldn't really help me with homework, they only spoke Spanish. I felt so stupid that I could never keep up. This feeling lasted about 18 years. Eighth grade English was the hardest subject for me all these commas, adjectives and adverbs threw me off. Even now I struggle with all this.
It wasn't until summer of 2013 that I made the connections. It seems so easy and simple now. I remember having this breakthrough in therapy. I came home and ripped down all my posters and took off my green leopard comforter. Abby was really confused that I had done all this, I tried explaining but se thought it was because of FEO. I just felt like I didn't need all these things in my walls in my room filling this odd emptiness. I had these things because I had a hard time defining myself. I realized that my belongings don't define me, I define myself. That has been one of the best breakthroughs I have had in therapy to date.
I dropped out of school in 2007 I was 18. When I started my GED classes I was so scared that I wouldn't pass but I made it by 2 points I was so proud of myself at 22 I got my GED. After getting stabilized with wok and home I'm happy to say that I will finally be starting college at 26 years old. I know I have a long way to go but giving up is not an option for me. I start my 1st class on the 25th and my favorite subject Psychology! I will also be taking Women's Studies I just cant wait to start learning. I didn't know how I would get to college but I always knew wanted to go. This is a huge step for me and I am really nervous about starting something I know little about. I know it wont be easy but If I have to take a class 2 or 3 times I will do it!
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Moonshine Crescent Garcia
I've wanted to get a pet ever since I had my dog Roxie. Putting her down was heartbreaking. I don't think I've ever cried so much since that day. That was about 6 years ago, I promised myself that I would not get another pet until I could afford to take care of them. After getting my apartment I decided to get a cat. I would have gotten a dog but there's no pets allowed were I live so a cat seemed like the better choice. I mean dogs bark and I cant have that, cats are quieter.
At that time my mother was working 2nd shift and I would get out of work at 4:00, that's when she would be starting . It took a bit of adjusting getting used being completely alone. The last 5 years I had lived in a 6 bedroom house with 10 people, someone was always home.
I ended up getting Moonshine Crescent Garcia from a friends co worker. I specifically wanted a black cat because most people consider that as "bad luck". I really don't like that superstition. I think he's as loving and "evil" as any other cat. I remember the night I ended up bringing him home. I wrapped him in a pink blanket with hearts all over it. That had been Roxie's blanket. I had to hold him as I rove and OMG he would not stop crying. As I parked in the garage downstairs I had to figure out how to get him into my apartment without getting caught. There is cameras all over this building; the garage, hallways stairs and elevators! So I stuck him inside my purse put on music on my cell and hoped no one would hear him meowing. I took the stairs and walked through the side,avoiding the supers office. I had bought his food, bowls and litter box like a month before that. He cried that whole night I hardly got any sleep. He just hid under my bed. After I showed him where the food was he would come out only when hungry.
It wasn't until the 3rd night that he actually let me touch him. After a couple of days of getting used to the idea that he wasn't going anywhere he fell asleep on my chest. That was when my heart just melted an felt alive once again. I was so shocked that I was able to love something new in my life, like an actual living mammal. For a long time I had felt like I would never be able to love anything. Hadn't felt much for a while. After the 2nd break up I was numb. Nothing really made me feel any better. Being sober was hard for me.
A couple weeks ago I neutered him. I thought that in a way he would hate me because of it. I was surprised when he lay on my chest with that huge cone and let me pet him. Now if I'm home he's next to me. He's actually sitting next to me on my desk bench. I love waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him next to me or by my feet. Hearing his purrs is so soothing. I don't ever like to push him out of the way when he's trying to love me because I know what that's like. I'm his whole life. He waits by the door for me when my mom comes home. He's not used to me working so much, I guess he expects for my mother an I to come home at the same time. As soon as I walk in he struts towards me ad meows kind of like telling me "pick me up and love me, I've been waiting all day". Well in my head that's what he says that or "Fed me, clean my litter box its full." Ha-ha!
Got to go my brother is here and he is hungry!
At that time my mother was working 2nd shift and I would get out of work at 4:00, that's when she would be starting . It took a bit of adjusting getting used being completely alone. The last 5 years I had lived in a 6 bedroom house with 10 people, someone was always home.
I ended up getting Moonshine Crescent Garcia from a friends co worker. I specifically wanted a black cat because most people consider that as "bad luck". I really don't like that superstition. I think he's as loving and "evil" as any other cat. I remember the night I ended up bringing him home. I wrapped him in a pink blanket with hearts all over it. That had been Roxie's blanket. I had to hold him as I rove and OMG he would not stop crying. As I parked in the garage downstairs I had to figure out how to get him into my apartment without getting caught. There is cameras all over this building; the garage, hallways stairs and elevators! So I stuck him inside my purse put on music on my cell and hoped no one would hear him meowing. I took the stairs and walked through the side,avoiding the supers office. I had bought his food, bowls and litter box like a month before that. He cried that whole night I hardly got any sleep. He just hid under my bed. After I showed him where the food was he would come out only when hungry.
It wasn't until the 3rd night that he actually let me touch him. After a couple of days of getting used to the idea that he wasn't going anywhere he fell asleep on my chest. That was when my heart just melted an felt alive once again. I was so shocked that I was able to love something new in my life, like an actual living mammal. For a long time I had felt like I would never be able to love anything. Hadn't felt much for a while. After the 2nd break up I was numb. Nothing really made me feel any better. Being sober was hard for me.
A couple weeks ago I neutered him. I thought that in a way he would hate me because of it. I was surprised when he lay on my chest with that huge cone and let me pet him. Now if I'm home he's next to me. He's actually sitting next to me on my desk bench. I love waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him next to me or by my feet. Hearing his purrs is so soothing. I don't ever like to push him out of the way when he's trying to love me because I know what that's like. I'm his whole life. He waits by the door for me when my mom comes home. He's not used to me working so much, I guess he expects for my mother an I to come home at the same time. As soon as I walk in he struts towards me ad meows kind of like telling me "pick me up and love me, I've been waiting all day". Well in my head that's what he says that or "Fed me, clean my litter box its full." Ha-ha!
Got to go my brother is here and he is hungry!
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