Feo

    A year ago today I called you and said I didn't want to do this anymore. We always agreed that if either of us wanted out of the relationship we would speak up and be civil about it. I never thought that even by being civil my heart would be broken. I've had heartache in the past but Heartbreak doesn't even begin to compare. I know that we weren't in each others very long, I mean 9 months hardly seems long enough . It took me 6 weeks to admit to myself that I loved you but I didn't tell you until the last time I saw you with tears and mascara running down my face. I remember the night so clearly you were wearing a gray wife beater and black shorts. I hugged you as hard as I could because deep down inside I knew that this was good bye. I ended up having to break up with you over the phone a week and a half later. It was too hard to do in person.
   I met FEO (that was his nickname)  June 14th 2013 back when I had my bright red hair. We had been talking for 2 weeks. You had mentioned that you wanted to watch Fast and the Furious 6. So I asked who you would be going with and you said no one, so I offered to go with you.  You actually said yes so I couldn't back down. I was so nervous to meet you I don't know why I had been doing the online dating for 2 years. I remember I even went to go wash my car, and I cried because the drive through car was wasn't working. I went home in a hurry and got ready. I still remember the 1st time I saw you, and I thought; oh fuck he looked way hotter in his pictures but it was too late to turn back. So you got in my car, the parking lot at Century Theaters was packed we drove around but ended up leaving. The whole time I was driving I didn't even look over at you I was so nervous! As I kept driving you said "Why haven't you looked at me?" and I told you "I don't know I'm nervous." It was at that moment that you grabbed my hand and I just thought "oh shit" It just felt so nice and calming. We ended up finding a movie theater in Garden Grove. As soon as I got out of the car and came around to your side you hugged me and as we walked in you put your arm around my waist. I felt like it was too soon but didn't say anything because it felt nice even from the beginning you made me feel so safe and comfortable. We didn't watch most of the movie you, that first kiss was the start of something that would completely turn my world upside down.
    After the movie I drove you home because you had something to do the next day. Looking back now I have no idea what we spoke about but I knew we didn't shut up. As we kissed good bye  you were about to get out of my car you honked my Fucken boob and you literally said "HONK HONK!" I shrieked out "SERIUOUSLY!!!" and pushed you off me  all you said " I just wanted to see how far I could get." I let you know it wasn't going to be that easy. As I drove away seconds after you started walking away and I stepped on the gas I knew this one is going to hurt of coarse at that time I had no idea  much.
    I didn't know what it was about you that dragged me in like a fucken magnet, you became my whole life I'm embarrassed to admit but I was so head over heels in love with you.I love dthe way you could talk to anyone, you had this amazing sense of adventure, you had fucken HUEVOS! You always asked me what I wanted before choosing were we would go that night or eat. I was so attracted to you in my eyes you were the hottest man alive! I loved how we always ended up the most random places Long Beach will never be the same without you.
      My therapist had asked me some years before what is love and I didn't know how to answer that but now I knew I was the fucken definition of love. We kept seeing each other and I remember the night that I admitted to myself that I loved you. It was 6 weeks after we met, you had worked that whole day at your LA job. That was the night you opened up to me you were ashamed and scared to tell me. I told you I didn't care and that I accept you how you are. One of  reason I feel for you so hard was because it took us 6 months to consummate the relationship. Here is this man that wanted to keep hanging out with me and wanted more than sex. Its sad to say but its the truth. You also took me everywhere I wanted to go! I've lived in SoCal my whole life but I never explored LA. You put Artesia on the map for me and I am never going to forget it. Sometimes I wish it didn't end but I lost myself in the relationship I lost who I had worked so hard to become. Nothing can take away the pain I went through after the break up only  and the depression I went through only time can make it feel less painful. I think ill always miss you.
     Every time I hear your name its bitter sweet I get a flash of all the good times we had together and a small sting of the ending. Even though we tried to get back together 3 months after the fact in which I was going through depression eating and sleeping 12 hours a day. It wasn't the same for me even though you told me it felt like no time had passed. Something did change and it was me. I was more mad than sad during the 2nd break up. We had hardly spoken in 2 weeks and all you did was text me and said " I cant do this anymore I'm sorry I dragged you along whatever we had is now over and done with." Just like that not even a call. It made me feel that you only got back with me to break up with me like you were upset with me for leaving the 1st time. Even if I am wrong that's how it felt. I know we will never see each other again its very unlikely. Its been a year and I have to let all this go all I will have left are the memories good and bad. I learned so much from this whole thing called love. I learned that I did love you with all my heart but I love me more you didn't love me and its okay. I will never force a man to be with me. There's so much of you that's still with me like drinking Jack Daniels Honey with Sprite I hated whiskey before you, saying SHUUUSH all the damn time and even rooting for the Dodgers. I hope you never go through what I went through I don't want you to suffer I wish you the best in life bye Feo

Black Sheeps

    I like photographing my family when they least suspect it. Yes, I am the annoying one always taking random pictures. My best photographs of them aren't posed, the best pictures are the unexpected ones. My brother Dennis or "Deni" as my mom and I call him would seem to get annoyed when I bust out my phone or start recording. It wasn't until I hung up old pictures of the family and friends with clothes pins on twine that I feel that he really saw why I take so many pictures. To me its not just to look cute although a lot of them are but that's besides the point. I do it to capture life, that moment that we will all look upon years from now. I will some day say "That's your uncle Deni when he was young and crazy so full of dreams and hope feeling that anything is possible." That's what I see when I photograph my brother, he's my best model even though he might not know it.
    There was a picture that got me thinking and because I love social experiments I started asking around the people I talk to what they really thought of this particular picture. The response was a lot more interesting than I thought. I asked two men that I had befriended on social media what came to mind when they saw the picture. Mark said it felt like home and he really liked it, it reminded him of growing up in South Central. I don't even remember the other guys name now but I do remember his comment,  "It looks like they are up to no good, the guy oh the left has a remote to a bomb or something and they are probably going to explode up a car." I was very shocked at that 2nd comment I didn't know anyone could see my brother or  perceive him in such a negative way. Yes, I know he isn't an angel but damn! I guess the way and or place where we grow up has a lot to with how we see even the simplest things. That second comment came from a guy that grew up in Fullerton, CA. I don't judge him on what he said I'm glad he told me the truth. In a way he shared with me where he came from just form his response.
    When I see that picture I see my baby brother and my cousin Rey. They are two young men living together and finding their place in the world. They are together despite the efforts that were put into keeping them apart for most of their lives. I love seeing them together and I have started referring to Rey as a brother not just a cousin in my eyes I have two brothers now. He has joined the "black sheep's" of the family. At least on my moms side that's how we are perceived we are the ones that have single mothers and sons that have been to jail but its okay because we are true to ourselves.

What do you see?

Dancing in the Rain

     Some nights ago after I received a good night text from Mark, I cried myself to sleep. I had just sent a good night snap chat selfie and he texted  "Sigh. What I wouldn't I give to wake up next to that every morning...hope your ex knows what he lost." The truth hurts more when someone that doesn't even know us points it out. Just that text made me feel the pain in my heart again, not as much as before but I could physically feel my shoulders and chest the  raw soreness like If was being compressed and only taking a deep breath would calm it down. I cant remember the last time I cried that hard...its been at least 6 months. All I could think about when I was crying was how can this man I haven't even met yet express himself about me this way? Yes I know you might be thinking that I'm a dumbass for buying it . I usually discard/block men after 2 hours of talking to them you know break them down according to what they say etc. total defense mechanism. I mean after the break up I have been I'm major defense mode and it takes someone with A LOT of patience to keep my friendship. Its been 3 months that Mark and I started being friends. He is one of those people that don't judge or if he does he sure can hide it.
    I saved Marks text because It hurt so bad and its a contestant reminder of a promise I have made to myself. I know I have to move past this but if it was that easy I would of done it already. I know I'm nowhere near being able to date or have feelings for a man. Mark is becoming a good friend but that's the way it is going to stay. I have some things lined up for next Wednesday.
    A very important person gave me a small frame after moving into my new apartment that reads; Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain." by Vivian Green. It finally clicked, I haven't been dancing in the rain, I've been waiting for the storm to pass. It will be a year next Tuesday and the storm isn't over. I have to go dance in the rain and with time the storm will pass. Looking back at the last 12 months I feel like I have wasted a year of my life wanting something back that never belonged to me. The sadness will still peak certain days because of the curse of my hormones but I have to start living again.

The Last Date with JoJo

I took up JoJo on his offer to go out to dinner. I will admit he has been being persistent I think he started this whole asking me out back in November 2014. That was when I told him that I had been single since September. I was surprised he even asked .  I didn’t turn him down to be a bitch or anything. I have still been somewhat hurt from the whole BIG HEARTBREAK of 2014. It was a rough year for me well emotionally; I also moved which was an even bigger deal.  Hanging out with Jojowas a nice break from being home and not doing anything. He took me where we had our 1^st date back in May of 2011, The Cheesecake Factory. He made me feel grounded; kind of reminded me how far I have come with dealing with everything, regular daily situations. Sometimes it’s weird when you hang out with a person you haven’t seen in so long, it kind of felt like no time had passed but honestly I don’t feel like that clueless 22 year old girl I was when I had 1^st met him. Although I might have acted a bit younger, I was drunk during the whole date. When he had text me if I wanted to have dinner I had already had 2 tall cans and a beer. I know that one of the reasons I said yes was because I had been drinking. I know that sounds messed up but if you know me, you know that alcohol gives me a bit of temporary “balsyness” I just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes it sucks that sober Dee can’t be more like that. Being the adult I have become I just naturally do what I feel is right.  I haven’t had fun like that in a while. Sitting in front of this cool guy again 4 years later made me realize that I might have chosen the wrong man. But you can’t go back and change the past all you can do is work with what you have in front t of you. Deep down I can admit that if I had chosen Jojo when I was younger I would have done him wrong, and maybe we wouldn’t even be friends now. In a way it’s good that I didn’t choose him. 

Well that what the 1st date. About a month ago jojo asked me out again and I said yes. My mom had just gotten fired from her job that day. He picked me up and I let him know what was going on with my mother. His response upset me more than i led on, he said "Well what do you expect she's a temp." After he said that I knew the whole night would different. When we got to the movies and we're ordering at the bar he kind of started to make fun of the bartender because of his sexual orientation. That bothered me because here is a young man loving what he is doing and just because he is gay you are saying smart ass remarks.all I kept thinking was, you are out on a date with a girl you want to make your girlfriend and you act like this?  Maybe JoJo didn't mean it that was but after the remark in the car, it just felt like maybe I'm not the type of girl he should be out on a date with. I don't know if he was trying to act tough or be a macho. I could totally be wrong. After talking to my cousins about this Ana told me " I kicked my ex out of my house for saying shit like that!" Okay I totally didn't over react. Just looked at the situation as a whole. 

As he was diving me home, I tried to give him another chance and I said "I'm worried about my mom if she can't find i job I have to pay the rent." He asked how much I made I didn't want to tell him but I did just not to make things awkward. He replied " Oh you'll be fine." I just thought to myself there's more than just rent. Jojo has always been good to me ever since I met him and I appreciate his patience with me but that night I realized that we can never be more than what we are, just friends. 

Girls Night Out

Every generation and ethnicity has a different memory of girls night out. And different types of Friends for different genres of music. Between my cousins and I we have 80s music, hip hop, banda, tropical, merengue, salsa and electro.  

My moms girls night out's took place in the mid 80's. We had gone to south central to visit my cousin Belinda (close to my moms age) and her daughter Diana.  This conversation had taken place after a few beers. All I kept observing was my mother and older cousin say things like "I remember this song when I was living at this place and would go out with these old friends I used to have." At least that is my translation because she said it in Spanish. Then I thought to myself they were young and had girlfriends once and went out dancing they had girls night out but they called it going to the "baile" that means dance in Spanish. I loved the idea of my mother being in her 20s and going out to dance with her girlfriends even remembering those times lit up her face. Girls night out is not just and excuse to get drunk well maybe it is lol but it's an experience that you will look back on once you get older and have children. It's a timeless memory in your head that you will play over and over when you hear those familiar songs. It's an experience. So why not share such a cool and fun experience with the people I love most my built in friends for life, cousins and yes of coarse my bad ass momma! 

 

Marriage Proposal: El Terco

I met El Terco ( the stubborn one) as my mother calls him the first week of March 2014. A month before my depression began. We technically met in April. You be friended me on Instagram. You did come on a bit strong but you were polite. About 2 weeks later you told me that you had made something for me. You had made a painting of me! As soon as you said that I had to see it! No one had ever done anything like that for me. My experience with men hasn't been so great so naturally I didn't believe you. I still  remember the day you mailed me my gift. I received it on a Thursday. My landlord told me that I had a package, as I opened it I had the biggest smile that could not be hidden in any which way. As soon as I took it out of the box i thought, wow he was telling the truth all long! I want to get this painting tattooed and so does my brother after seeing it. Some weeks after getting to know you and becoming recently single. I agreed to meet you because you were so stubborn! I was so nervous and nowhere near ready to hangout with another man. I couldn't believe that you drove down from Santa Barbara just to see me lil old me. You gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, chocolate, a one of a kind Dodger sweater with my nickname DEE on the back over a big number 88 (my birth year). The front had a sugar skull with a baseball cap that said LA and Los Doyers under the skull. As soon as I opened that it made me cry but there was more; 2 pairs of earrings that I had just told you earlier that day that I wanted from when I was out shopping with my mom. When we went for a walk you gave me a hug and whispered in my ear "casate conmigo" (marry me). You scared the crap out of me but your words sounded so sincere. The night didn't end so well, I had only broken up with Frank like 2 weeks before. I ended up crying and making an ass of myself. I was heartbroken after the break up. Now that I look back I don't know why I put myself through that. I know you left heartbroken as well. I'm sorry I couldn't love you  and I still cant.  We still keep in touch well at least through social media. Every time you say casate conmigo it makes me so profoundly sad because I know what its like to love someone so bad that it hurts. What can I say? It will be a year next week and I'm still fighting that feeling for FEO.  Whatever happens I just wan you to know how thankful I am that you showed me what its like to be loved . Its been a unfortunate love triangle.I feel that by keeping in touch with you I'm just torturing you especially with my snap chats. I will always cherish my painting until the day I die, Panzon. 

Whiskey Nightmare

I just want to say hello to anyone reading this and thank you. I've been wanting to do this for a while but now that my thoughts are a bit more organized seems like it's the best time to start. This blog is basically about my life and what im going through such as dating experiences past and current, my family, growing up as a Mexican-American and my generation the way we are seen and how I see us. I will be adjusting some names

but I think they will know who they are. I am at a transition in my life a lot has changed in the last year including myself. I am still growing and changing and I want to document this for my future children well if I ever have any and I hope I can befried at least 1 person that can really relate to me. My 1st post will be on March 31st and I hope to do keep writing regularly after that. This app well make easier for me. 

-Dee