Didn't have a chance to post last week. I'm back...if anyone out there was wondering. Last week was quite interesting, filled with delightful new family drama.
After my Women's Studies class, I rushed over to Norms. My mother father and brother were on their way. We were going to meet my brothers fiancé's parents. My brother was a nervous wreck, bless his heart. My parents are kind of like the kids that never grew up, in a good way. The four of us just tend to just joke around a lot. We are always laughing about something. My dad sat next to me. I told him how tired I've been lately after starting school because he never asks what's going on in my life. After that he asked what I had just learned in class and of coarse I was going to share my knowledge, as we waited for the new in laws. I didn't go into detail I just told him that I learned about the patriarchy and how media manipulates the way we think and look at society. Also mentioned the beauty norms etc. He responded with "Your mother was a size 2 when I met her. If she would have been as fat as you, I would have never dated her."
I felt so sad for my father. I am aware of my weight. I know loosing some weight would be very beneficial to my health, dosent he want his daughter to be happy? It's sucks that he is so structuralized with this concept of thin being the only form of beauty. He cant see what an amazing daughter he has. I guess I'm not following what he had expected of me in a way. This year he has been pointing out my weight more and more in a negative way but last Thursday he just out did himself. In a way feel that this might be one of the reasons that he doesn't take anything I do serious, because I'm fat? I have let go of some negative people in the recent years. The conclusion of a negative person has been that overall they are just not happy with themselves or their life. Is this the case for my father? It certainty feels that way on my end. He sees me exited and more confident with myself. Did he feel like he had to knock me down a peg or two? Did I questions his manliness? Is he miserable an wants company? I keep asking these questions because it is very hard to accept that this might be the way that the man that I have looked up to my whole life may think.
I couldn't keep it to myself so I told my mother and brother. My mom wasn't very happy but told me that she believed me because she knows my father. My brother was shocked and asked me if maybe he had been joking. Even if it was a joke it wasn't a very funny one. I don't know if he will confront my father about it but even if he does what will that change? Would he even apologize? I don't think I can remember my father ever saying sorry. Maybe he did but not that can ever recall.
I wasn't expecting my mom to tell me why they actually split way back when. I had never asked because I really didn't feel like it was any of my business. I remember being about 8-9 years old and my father taking me to pick up my mom from work at night and him telling me that my mom was cheating and pointed out a man. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. Why would he take me and show me these things? I'm not saying my mother is perfect and that my dad is a completed asshole. And I will not try to justify what he said. At the end of the day I will always help my father with what I can and he has been there for me many times. Its just very unfortunate that we think so differently. And I cant just cut him out of my life like a negative friend. He is my father, I guess that I just have to talk to him about things that we actually have in common. Through all this I'm very glad that my mother can see my point of view.
I will not let my fathers comment keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. I will not be the victim. Yes it hurt and its sad and this is why I go to therapy to love myself and not get stuck blaming people for bringing me down. I am far too strong to let these type of comments keep me down. Even if they are from the people I love most. That only refers to immediate family.
Update:
As of last Friday I officially have a new sister in law.
School is keeping me busy and by this post I think you can see what my favorite class is!
Thanks for anyone who actually reads my shit! Show me some love. Or comment a post suggestions. I am currently working on a list.
Good Night!
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