2015

     My depression has gotten better, still a working progress. This week accidentally showed up to  therapy on the wrong day. Turned out to be a good thing because I got 2 sessions.
     I usually set new resolutions every year but this time I want to concentrate on all the god I did. Going back to school, sticking I out an not dropping out. No matter how stressed I became, dropping out was never an option. If I was going to flunk I was going to earn it ha-ha just kidding. Next semester I'll be taking English, Study skills and a Salsa class. Something to help me loose weight and fun. I cant wait to be busy. I have a craving for being productive.
  I still cant believe that its almost 2016. And I'm sitting in front of my lap top crying because I've finally accepted that Feo will no longer be part of my life. That is the hardest part of this post. Admitting to myself that you are bad news. I hate to admit it but you did played me. I fell for it because I did fall in love. I've spent the last 2 and a half years thinking about you. you wont come looking for me and I pray that you don't but if you do I have blocked everything! My goal for life is to be happy. If you are in it you will eventually drag me down with you and I love myself too much to allow you to do that. My heart feels heavy, sore and like its being stabbed by a million pins all at once. Even through all that pain, thank you for all the good memories.

(Moonshine Is snoring on my bed)

Happy New year to all of you!

December 16, 2015

      I know its been a couple weeks since I've posted. I've been a bit sad lately. I didn't think much of it first but last week it got to the point that I was crying in my car during my lunch. I was forgetting to even eat. That might be hard for anyone to believe due to my weight but it happened.

     The last couple weeks of school were a bit hard but I got through it. I cant wait for next semester to start I'm thinking about adding an extra class maybe a dancing class. I need to do something for myself I need a positive outlet. It will also help with my weight loss. I had my follow up doctor appointment today. The results for my blood work and ultrasound came in. Turns out that I have PCOS as predicted. Mostly due to my weight, I guess its finally catching up to me. I hadn't menstruated since October of 2014. I had the delight of finally getting my period, which felt so weird! It was like my first period all over again. I had forgotten how much your body goes through in those couple days. I was prescribed Metformin HCL to help with the weight loss and I have to cut put carbs and exercise everyday. I've already started looking up recipes online. Basically I'm going to be eating chicken, meat, fish and green veggies.

     Yesterday when I went to therapy and was explaining how I felt to Yasmin she let me know I was depressed again. I mean last time I was depressed I understood it a bit better because it was after the break up. This time it kind of just snuck up on me I didn't expect it at all. The thing that kind of started this whole thing was what my dad told me back in September. Then my mom hasn't been too helpful with her comments either. Some weeks ago she said that I wasn't doing anything and that I'm moving too slow. I just stayed quiet and thought to myself, I work full time and go to school how is that not doing anything? I guess I'm not following her cultural expectation of being a woman. As much as she says that's hes open minded she is still very cultural in many ways.

     I have noticed some cultural diffrences between mysef and my immediate family. I know that sounds weird. For example El Terco added my painting on a t shirt and a hat. He said he was starting a clothing line with my face on it. I am flattered but to me its a reminder of the pain I may be causing him by not loving him back. Some days after he told me I asked if I was able to buy a shirt of him he mentioned I was being rude and that there is a certain way to ask fo things. I asked how I should say it, he said "Hola amigito como estas?" (hello buddy how are you) When I speak Spanish I never use that word. So if I'm forcing myself to talk that way it makes me feel fake. And I don't like that at all. I told him that I was sorry  bothered him and let it go. I spoke to my mom about it and she said the he wants me to be a kiss ass. Last week my mom and my sister in law were texting, my mom shared what she was telling her and the were talking the way that El Terco wanted to speak. So I asked why do people from Mexico speak that way because I know I don't do that. Its not a bad thing. The more I go to therapy and work on finding myself the more I stick out in situatosn like this. Just this last week I was told that therapy is white people shit. Its so hard to even explain to the those around me. All I want to do is help but it looks like I have to just keep my opinions to myself and that's very hard to do these days since I have so many.

     The other thing that has heped with my lovely depression is lack of  sleep. I started monitoring it and on average I have 5-6 hour on week nights. Yasmin advised to sleep 7-8 hours a night. Something that I am working on. Now that I have started my new medication I actually have to eat 3 times a day.  I never though that Feo would be the person that I could relate to the most. I really feel like I don't have friends. Hes the one that really understands how lonely it is. I think that why we still keep in touch.

Well that's enough for tonight I will force myself to keep writing.