Feo

    A year ago today I called you and said I didn't want to do this anymore. We always agreed that if either of us wanted out of the relationship we would speak up and be civil about it. I never thought that even by being civil my heart would be broken. I've had heartache in the past but Heartbreak doesn't even begin to compare. I know that we weren't in each others very long, I mean 9 months hardly seems long enough . It took me 6 weeks to admit to myself that I loved you but I didn't tell you until the last time I saw you with tears and mascara running down my face. I remember the night so clearly you were wearing a gray wife beater and black shorts. I hugged you as hard as I could because deep down inside I knew that this was good bye. I ended up having to break up with you over the phone a week and a half later. It was too hard to do in person.
   I met FEO (that was his nickname)  June 14th 2013 back when I had my bright red hair. We had been talking for 2 weeks. You had mentioned that you wanted to watch Fast and the Furious 6. So I asked who you would be going with and you said no one, so I offered to go with you.  You actually said yes so I couldn't back down. I was so nervous to meet you I don't know why I had been doing the online dating for 2 years. I remember I even went to go wash my car, and I cried because the drive through car was wasn't working. I went home in a hurry and got ready. I still remember the 1st time I saw you, and I thought; oh fuck he looked way hotter in his pictures but it was too late to turn back. So you got in my car, the parking lot at Century Theaters was packed we drove around but ended up leaving. The whole time I was driving I didn't even look over at you I was so nervous! As I kept driving you said "Why haven't you looked at me?" and I told you "I don't know I'm nervous." It was at that moment that you grabbed my hand and I just thought "oh shit" It just felt so nice and calming. We ended up finding a movie theater in Garden Grove. As soon as I got out of the car and came around to your side you hugged me and as we walked in you put your arm around my waist. I felt like it was too soon but didn't say anything because it felt nice even from the beginning you made me feel so safe and comfortable. We didn't watch most of the movie you, that first kiss was the start of something that would completely turn my world upside down.
    After the movie I drove you home because you had something to do the next day. Looking back now I have no idea what we spoke about but I knew we didn't shut up. As we kissed good bye  you were about to get out of my car you honked my Fucken boob and you literally said "HONK HONK!" I shrieked out "SERIUOUSLY!!!" and pushed you off me  all you said " I just wanted to see how far I could get." I let you know it wasn't going to be that easy. As I drove away seconds after you started walking away and I stepped on the gas I knew this one is going to hurt of coarse at that time I had no idea  much.
    I didn't know what it was about you that dragged me in like a fucken magnet, you became my whole life I'm embarrassed to admit but I was so head over heels in love with you.I love dthe way you could talk to anyone, you had this amazing sense of adventure, you had fucken HUEVOS! You always asked me what I wanted before choosing were we would go that night or eat. I was so attracted to you in my eyes you were the hottest man alive! I loved how we always ended up the most random places Long Beach will never be the same without you.
      My therapist had asked me some years before what is love and I didn't know how to answer that but now I knew I was the fucken definition of love. We kept seeing each other and I remember the night that I admitted to myself that I loved you. It was 6 weeks after we met, you had worked that whole day at your LA job. That was the night you opened up to me you were ashamed and scared to tell me. I told you I didn't care and that I accept you how you are. One of  reason I feel for you so hard was because it took us 6 months to consummate the relationship. Here is this man that wanted to keep hanging out with me and wanted more than sex. Its sad to say but its the truth. You also took me everywhere I wanted to go! I've lived in SoCal my whole life but I never explored LA. You put Artesia on the map for me and I am never going to forget it. Sometimes I wish it didn't end but I lost myself in the relationship I lost who I had worked so hard to become. Nothing can take away the pain I went through after the break up only  and the depression I went through only time can make it feel less painful. I think ill always miss you.
     Every time I hear your name its bitter sweet I get a flash of all the good times we had together and a small sting of the ending. Even though we tried to get back together 3 months after the fact in which I was going through depression eating and sleeping 12 hours a day. It wasn't the same for me even though you told me it felt like no time had passed. Something did change and it was me. I was more mad than sad during the 2nd break up. We had hardly spoken in 2 weeks and all you did was text me and said " I cant do this anymore I'm sorry I dragged you along whatever we had is now over and done with." Just like that not even a call. It made me feel that you only got back with me to break up with me like you were upset with me for leaving the 1st time. Even if I am wrong that's how it felt. I know we will never see each other again its very unlikely. Its been a year and I have to let all this go all I will have left are the memories good and bad. I learned so much from this whole thing called love. I learned that I did love you with all my heart but I love me more you didn't love me and its okay. I will never force a man to be with me. There's so much of you that's still with me like drinking Jack Daniels Honey with Sprite I hated whiskey before you, saying SHUUUSH all the damn time and even rooting for the Dodgers. I hope you never go through what I went through I don't want you to suffer I wish you the best in life bye Feo