2015

     My depression has gotten better, still a working progress. This week accidentally showed up to  therapy on the wrong day. Turned out to be a good thing because I got 2 sessions.
     I usually set new resolutions every year but this time I want to concentrate on all the god I did. Going back to school, sticking I out an not dropping out. No matter how stressed I became, dropping out was never an option. If I was going to flunk I was going to earn it ha-ha just kidding. Next semester I'll be taking English, Study skills and a Salsa class. Something to help me loose weight and fun. I cant wait to be busy. I have a craving for being productive.
  I still cant believe that its almost 2016. And I'm sitting in front of my lap top crying because I've finally accepted that Feo will no longer be part of my life. That is the hardest part of this post. Admitting to myself that you are bad news. I hate to admit it but you did played me. I fell for it because I did fall in love. I've spent the last 2 and a half years thinking about you. you wont come looking for me and I pray that you don't but if you do I have blocked everything! My goal for life is to be happy. If you are in it you will eventually drag me down with you and I love myself too much to allow you to do that. My heart feels heavy, sore and like its being stabbed by a million pins all at once. Even through all that pain, thank you for all the good memories.

(Moonshine Is snoring on my bed)

Happy New year to all of you!

December 16, 2015

      I know its been a couple weeks since I've posted. I've been a bit sad lately. I didn't think much of it first but last week it got to the point that I was crying in my car during my lunch. I was forgetting to even eat. That might be hard for anyone to believe due to my weight but it happened.

     The last couple weeks of school were a bit hard but I got through it. I cant wait for next semester to start I'm thinking about adding an extra class maybe a dancing class. I need to do something for myself I need a positive outlet. It will also help with my weight loss. I had my follow up doctor appointment today. The results for my blood work and ultrasound came in. Turns out that I have PCOS as predicted. Mostly due to my weight, I guess its finally catching up to me. I hadn't menstruated since October of 2014. I had the delight of finally getting my period, which felt so weird! It was like my first period all over again. I had forgotten how much your body goes through in those couple days. I was prescribed Metformin HCL to help with the weight loss and I have to cut put carbs and exercise everyday. I've already started looking up recipes online. Basically I'm going to be eating chicken, meat, fish and green veggies.

     Yesterday when I went to therapy and was explaining how I felt to Yasmin she let me know I was depressed again. I mean last time I was depressed I understood it a bit better because it was after the break up. This time it kind of just snuck up on me I didn't expect it at all. The thing that kind of started this whole thing was what my dad told me back in September. Then my mom hasn't been too helpful with her comments either. Some weeks ago she said that I wasn't doing anything and that I'm moving too slow. I just stayed quiet and thought to myself, I work full time and go to school how is that not doing anything? I guess I'm not following her cultural expectation of being a woman. As much as she says that's hes open minded she is still very cultural in many ways.

     I have noticed some cultural diffrences between mysef and my immediate family. I know that sounds weird. For example El Terco added my painting on a t shirt and a hat. He said he was starting a clothing line with my face on it. I am flattered but to me its a reminder of the pain I may be causing him by not loving him back. Some days after he told me I asked if I was able to buy a shirt of him he mentioned I was being rude and that there is a certain way to ask fo things. I asked how I should say it, he said "Hola amigito como estas?" (hello buddy how are you) When I speak Spanish I never use that word. So if I'm forcing myself to talk that way it makes me feel fake. And I don't like that at all. I told him that I was sorry  bothered him and let it go. I spoke to my mom about it and she said the he wants me to be a kiss ass. Last week my mom and my sister in law were texting, my mom shared what she was telling her and the were talking the way that El Terco wanted to speak. So I asked why do people from Mexico speak that way because I know I don't do that. Its not a bad thing. The more I go to therapy and work on finding myself the more I stick out in situatosn like this. Just this last week I was told that therapy is white people shit. Its so hard to even explain to the those around me. All I want to do is help but it looks like I have to just keep my opinions to myself and that's very hard to do these days since I have so many.

     The other thing that has heped with my lovely depression is lack of  sleep. I started monitoring it and on average I have 5-6 hour on week nights. Yasmin advised to sleep 7-8 hours a night. Something that I am working on. Now that I have started my new medication I actually have to eat 3 times a day.  I never though that Feo would be the person that I could relate to the most. I really feel like I don't have friends. Hes the one that really understands how lonely it is. I think that why we still keep in touch.

Well that's enough for tonight I will force myself to keep writing.

Adult Friends

                   I've ever been all hat good at making friends. In grade school it was easier. I was usually in classes with the same groups of people and we all kind of knew each other. When you spend enough time around people you start to talk and socialize, its in our nature. After high school I kept in touch with a selective group of friends. As the drama unfold back in those Myspace days. Many girls came and went through our group. It some how always ended up being the original set of girls.
             Fast forward some 6-7 years later to my mid 20's. My social network ( the real life kind) became work. I don't feel very comfortable getting too close to people at work now. I rather be cool and keep a distance than have drama at work. Although I have met some awesome people at previous jobs that I still keep in touch with.
               After being at my current job for 3 years now, I realized that they are the people I spent the most time with.  I had mentioned in a previous post this was also another reason I wanted to start school. To socialize with new people with hopefully some similar interests. In my psychology class I chose to sit upfront because I cant see far at that well and luckily the girls in that section turned out to be super cool. There's a total of 4 of us they are  is 18, 20 and 28. I know it might sound a bit lame but when we exchanged phone numbers some weeks ago, I was so happy and exited. We had a small study session the week after that and I came to realize that most of us are struggling through something in our lives at the moment but what I really liked about these girls was the way the chose to deal with their hardships. It wasn't by doing drugs or drinking. They chose to keep busy with school, a positive outlet.  It made me feel so normal. They aren't about partying and going to bars, not that there's anything wrong with that but its just not my thing anymore. Even if I don't keep in tough with this new network of people I makes me hopeful about future classes and the new people I will keep meeting each semester. It will be pretty cool if I run into them years down the line or I can help hem in anyway once I have my career.
               Even though I complain about being tired and how much homework I have. I am addicted to school and learning. I am really enjoying having something that keeps me not just busy but in a productive positive way. And that's just my Psychology Class. I just came home from a mini study session with one of the girls in my Women Studies class. That's pretty much hat has been going on with me lately. oh and I have a "date" next week even though I kind of don't look at it that way. Les see how that goes.

Good night and thank you for reading my  blog!

2002

Dear 13 Year Old Dennise,

     Lets see its about 6:00 pm on a Wednesday. You probably didn't go to school again. Just the thought of going to school gives you knots in your stomach until you throw up. This will continue  until you drop out of high school in 2007. Don't worry so much abut things that you cant change. I know that you have this urge to help people but first you have to be able to help yourself.  I'm not here to tell you how crappy it will be, I'm here to give you some advice.
       Stop over eating and talk to someone. Read more and go to school! You are not ugly, you have  so much beauty within which matters s much more. Sorry you didn't have an older sister that was there to help you with your hair and make up. Don't be scared of what people think of you. Stay true for yourself.  You should probably watch less TV because its filled with evil commercials! Deep down inside you've always known that you are meant for something great, never forget that!
      The one that u will connect the most after "growing up" is your brother. Mom and Dad will speak to each other like old friends, this will take some years. There is so much you have left to experience. Your first true love will come at age 24 during summer. Keep in mind that you don't need a mans approval to feel good about yourself. Learning is the only way you will be able to weed out bed men.  You will make great friends during high school even though you may have some bumps down the road they will be there for you.
      Your anxiety and depression will peak in your ate teens but once you start going to therapy you will be able to control it.

Love,

26 Year Old Dennise

Meme Lingo

     Something that has been on my radar for the last couple months has been social media and how it affects our language. I am very active on social media, I have about 5 social media accounts that I check on a daily basis. I like that I can see random people's lives and see what they are doing at that exact moment. It has helped my relationship with friends and family. Well as far as knowing what is going on in their lives, or what they choose to show.
     I am very aware that there is a lot of bad in the world and we do seem to be disconnecting from the does closest to us at times because of technology. I like to look at the internet as a place where even I have a voice. Where I can share my thoughts and ideas. Its connecting the world and is the future. It makes me a bit sad when I talk to peers and I hear things like "Nowadays there is so much violence". Umm...the violence has been here all along the fact that it can be shared and go viral is the only difference.
    As I have mentioned before this year I have really opened y eyes to what life really is and have discovered a whole new level of my own inner strength. in thee last 2-3 years I have really noticed how there is a Meme for everything. For those of you don't know what a meme is, its usually a picture of something, a person or object and there is words describing something going on in the picture. The words are usually negative or by what some people refer to as "funny". I have reposted my share of memes and laughed at more than I can count. With my new found knowledge I have learned that some memes are just pushing it and make important issues seem irrelevant. And what a great way to distract a whole new generation that is growing up with a cell phone in hand.  Most of my friends on my social media accounts are currently using "Meme Lingo". When posting or sending a picture. Lets say a picture of myself holding and ice ream cone without the ice cream part and I decide to post it on social media with a caption that reads "I'm so bummed out that I dropped my ice cream". The Meme Lingo would read  "The face you make when you drop your ice cream" . I'm not saying that Meme Lingo is bad but to be aware of what we are doing because you cant write a paper for class and talk like that. And I am aware that its part of the Millennial generation. Sure, it can be funny sometime and it has become part of our daily life. Don't let this culture socialization distract you from the real issues that need to be addressed.
        Something that has such amazing power has just been molded to be used against us. a coupe years ago advertising and media was accessible to us from television, billboards, magazines, buses, benches well you get the idea. But now I see it in my social media and emails with a more frequency. I am a full functioning adult and I am aware of what's s going on. I'm being told on a daily basis how I should look, how to act, what I should smell like and even what hair to remove on my body. I know it seems a but ridiculous to think about but that is the reality.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!

Chicana : No Soy de Aqui ni de Alla

     This last week we discussed Chicana Feminism in my Women Studies Class. We read a chapter from Borderlands La Frontera by Gloria Anzaldua. While reading it I could relate so much. Even though it does describe an older generation of Chicanos.
     I recall spending my summers in Tijuana during middle school with my cousins. I was used t being around my kind of people. Santa Ana is about 78% Latino in 2010 according to the Census Bureau . In my young naïve brain I thought the two places would be the same. I felt so out of place, culturally. My Spanish always felt like it wasn't good enough. I had to switch from my Spanglish to all Spanish. Even though my cousins and I were able to communicate we lived in different worlds. Over the years it has been hard for me to really connect with those in my family that live in Mexico. There is only about one cousin that I can say that I have a better connection with. Despite not seeing each other for 7 years. It felt nice to just pick up where we left off.
     My 1st language was Spanish because that's what my parents spoke. Once I started school everything stayed in Spanish until 3rd grade. Once English became the primary language in school I freaked out. I felt that same sense of not belonging and it was a daily reminder that I didn't fit in. I recall being in Miss Penas 2nd grade class and hearing the principal over the morning  announcements and as they were over the whole class (all Spanish speakers) would look over to her and wait for the translation. Even then I hated being clueless of what is going on around me. This is a huge reason why I like learning so much.
     What I could relate to the most in last weeks Women's Studies assignment was the tremendous sense of belonging I felt as I understood where I stand. No Soy de Aqui ni de Alla. (I'm not from here or there). I'm from both places. After he chapter I asked myself if I am turning my back on my Mexican heritage. Being a Feminist and a Chicana don't really seem to go hand in hand. Some may say that they contradict one another. To me they don't because I am Chicana is my social location and being feminist is that I want equality towards all women. Being a Chicana feminist does not mean that I have joined the other side or "white ideas". Before the Europeans came to the Americas there was more equality between men and women. Religion. language and culture that are part of the regular Mexican culture was the Spaniards work. of coarse if that hadn't happened many years ago I would be here blogging about it.  I embrace my Mexican heritage because I speak several languages there is Standard English, Standard Mexican Spanish, Working Class English, Slang English, Standard Spanish, Chicano Spanish and my favorite Pachuco.
      For the record I hate the word Pocho/Pocha. That word is used to insult Chicanos or any people of Hispanic or Latino heritage that speak poor English or no English at all. This insult mostly comes from people that were raised in Mexico. The fact that  person from my own descent is telling me that I am basically not Mexican enough is very hurtful. The thing of it is, that you aren't even speaking our native tongue. Spanish was forced on the natives.  We are natives mixed with Spaniards and I get to add American to that.

Bad Habits

     There are a few bad habits that seem a bit normal to me. And since I cat seem to think tonight because of this damn cold thanks to the lame weather we have been having in Sothern California this last week. Like 3 digit weather isn't bad enough during summer but OCTOBER, really?


1. I hate cleaning, unless I'm home alone.  

2.I'm a huge procrastinator.

3.I don't shave my legs when I'm single.

4. I let my dirty clothes pile up in my room.

5.I'm horrible at saving money. (I'm working on it I swear)

6. I don't wash  y dishes or clothes since my mom and I moved in together.

7. I let the people I love keep hurting me because of their own inner pain.

8. I day dream way too much!

9. I am addicted to my cell phone.

10. Sometimes I'm too honest and I expect the same back.

11.I love eating bread, jelly and quesadillas. Not good for loosing weight.

12. The longest I went without a shower was a week, when I was a kid.

13. I take on average 15 selfies a day.

14. I don't brush my hair.

15. I sleep way too much on weekends about 10-15 hours in a night.


Been super busy lately but I will keep up with my posts! and hopefully this cold LEAVES soon!

GOOD NIGHT!