Happy 50th Birthday!

     Yesterday was my mothers 50th birthday, suddenly 50 doesn't seem so old. I'm glad that I am at a point in my life that we can enjoy each others company. Although things weren't always like this, we spent some years apart. My mom moved away very abruptly when I was 18 that was April of 2007 right after her birthday. It took me a long time to adjust, it was horribly hard for me. I mean my mom had always been there even when my parents split and moved apart when I was 13, my mom and I stayed together. If it wasn't for 2 great friends, I don't know what would of become from me of coarse they helped me the best they could. Getting out of that house wasn't so hard physically anyway. My father worked all day my brother was 17. We took advantage of it, by that point I had dropped out of high school. Our friends would ditch and go to the house that had no parental supervision. It took me a couple months to realize why I felt so depressed, I missed my mom. even at 18 that made me develop some abandonment issues.
     My mother moved back in Sept 2011. I thought that it was weird that people though I would run into moving in with her as soon as she came back. I'm not that type of person and I was still a bit hurt not going to lie. After about a year or so my mother started suggesting that we all move in together with my brother. As much as I love both of them I automatically said no. I had already established a stable living situation. I was not about to throw that away. Especially when she would get frustrated and say things like "I'm so annoyed of everything, I'm just going to leave somewhere and never come back!" I would just agree but hope she didn't do that again. She ended up moving in with my brother late spring of 2013. I knew I didn't want to move in with them. After the lease was up and they moved into a small room, my mother kept asking me why I didn't want to move in with her and I had to tell her. I still remember the car ride. It was an early Sunday morning and we were headed to the bank to get money to start our usual weekend rounds. I told her "I don't want to move in with you because I don't want to get stuck with a lease if you decide to just take off again." One of the hardest sentences I've even had to tell anyone. So for 2 years you could say I was testing her to see if she was really serious about staying, sounds funny when you think about it I'm the daughter and she's the mother not the other way around.
      We have been living together now for about 5 moths next week and yes she may get on my nerves sometimes but what parent doesn't? Those 7 years  apart really helped me realize how much I love her. I took her to the movies for the first time yesterday and as we were walking in she said something that made my heart warm up, "I used to take you to the movies now you bring me." It definitely wont be the last! I know my mother wont be around forever but I am glad I can take the moment to appreciate the time I do have with her. The day that she leaves this earth I don't want to have any regrets and in my heart I will know that I enjoyed my time with her as much as I could.
She's more than just my mom she's my best friend and I cannot wait to have a daughter to share this amazing relationship with. But I know if I didn't forgive my mother for leaving this connection we have now would not be possible. I recall someone telling me that they were a bit jealous of my relationship with my mother so I asked her "Will you forgive your mother for the things she's done to you?" her answer was "No."  I hope one day this person learns how to forgive. We need to enjoy what is happening now because things will never be the same ever again.

Happy 50th Birthday Mami! (I can hear her snoring as I type this ha-ha)

I think this was my 3rd birthday Dec1991

October 2013 Downtown Santa Ana, CA (Omg at a bar with my mom!)

I love you

     Mark and I have become great friends these last 4 months well at least that's what I thought. Recently we talk on the phone almost every day. We have definitely become closer. He talks to me about who he's dating and or smashing these days. And I tell him how I feel about certain men. As I was waiting from him to get off a phone call so we could talk before I go to bed he tells me that we wont be able to talk tonight. Which was fine I had already taken cough medicine and was waiting for it to knock me out. He though I was upset when I text him "Okay. Good Night" few seconds later he replies and says "Yes you are" once I again I text back the same line. After that he tells me " OK well, I love you. Good Night". I didn't know what to say it totally caught me off guard. Is this guy really falling for me? Maybe it was an accident? Maybe he thought he was talking to another girl? So I asked "Do you randomly tell people you love them?" He said "No" and just ended up saying goodnight I didn't want to continue questioning him. Then I thought this is the 2nd time I have  been told those words in the last year but unfortunate they didn't come from the one I wanted. It made me reminisce for a quick second of things that once were and will never be.
     El Terco now Mark, I don't want to hurt anyone or cause them any pain. This is one of the reasons I freak out and block men out of my life. Is being honest just as bad as blocking them? I've blocked Mark once before and he said it hurt him a lot so I decided we could be friends. I know I'm amazing (nervous laugh) but heartbreaker is not on my resume these days. I don't know what I am going to do about this one. I have to stop being scared and blocking guys but I cant lie either. I guess ill just be honest and play it by ear.

 Medicine is kicking in. Good night.

Engaged!!!!!

     When I worked at Western Dental 3 years ago I met a great friend, Iliana. She was and still is one of the most wonderful persons I have met. Back in April 2012 Ili was turning 26 and she was were I am now well as far as dealing with an old love. Even after leaving WD we kept in touch.

     Yesterday she text me and told me she was engaged to her boyfriend well now fiancé . I was so happy and filled with warm gooey love there was a small tear in my eye. I felt so exited because I see part of her in me. All the things I have been going through this last year reminded me of what she  had gone through some years back. This wonderful news filled me with hope again. Here is this great, smart, tough, sweet woman that has gone through worse than I have in the love department and she's found her happiness with a wonderful man that treats her the way I always knew she deserved.

     It wasn't until later that night when I was texting with Mark that I began to cry. I just started thinking about my love life or the lack of it recently. Hearing someone tell you that they love you is great but I can only imagine what it must feel like coming from the man you love. I am yet to know what that's like. I know I'm not in competition with anyone but no one likes to feel like they are being left behind, that's just human nature I guess. Just because I feel that way doesn't mean I'm going to ruin her happiness. I am honored that she wants my help with her wedding I've never done this before and I'm sure it will be a wonderful learning experience filled with tears of happiness! I'm looking at this like I'm helping this young wonderful couple start their life together in some small way. Everything I'm going through will be worth it but I cant help think, What is my future husband up to right now? Probably masturbating! LOL
    
     After telling my co worker Molly how I felt about these recent events she told me " I believe that we have to go through the bad relationships to truly value the one we are meant to have." I know she's been through her share of pain and her words give me a sense of calmness and patience. My Meri-Tech Mom ha-ha. I also had a bit of a heart with my friend Ed and he asked me "Do you remember that night in my room?" I rolled my eyes and looked the other way and said "yes" like a teenage girl that is about to get yelled at. And he followed by asking me "If you and I would have gotten together way back then, do you think we would still be together?" I'll admit I've always though Ed was fairly handsome and what I admired most about him was his respect towards me. I had to be honest to him so I told him the truth and said "No, I would of fucked it up and we would probably not even be friends now." Both  of these people made me think that its okay that I've messed up and that I'm actually learning and growing from all this, just reassures me that I am doing things the way that feel correct within my heart. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be all I am doing is being true to myself.