Today was one of those days that I just wanted to disappear! I missed work Monday and Tuesday because my pancreas has been acting up again being awake was just painful. I wake up today, dragging myself out of bed. As soon as I'm about to get on the main street to head to work my car finally gives out. Gas pedal just wasn't doing anything. I had to text my manager and I'm sure by now she doesn't even believe me she didn't even reply. So I keep trying to turn on he car and my mom starts freaking out when I'm on the phone with AAA. Thank goodness I didn't have to pay for the tow and it was around the corner from my house. And it didn't hurt that the tow truck guy was totally handsome and very talkative. Getting to work things really didn't get any better I showed up an hour late with no make up (which is extremely rare for me). As soon as I got out of the car I started crying not because I didn't have car but my dad thought it was a good idea to scold me about my weight. I love him and I know I can always count on him, he did give my mother a ride to and from work today. As soon as he asked my why I had missed work and my pancreas was up for discussion he started saying "You are so fat, you've been gaining weight and u say you don't eat fast food. You should have lost at least 50 lbs by now blah blah". All this was said in Spanish which hurt even more and it was my dad telling me all this it just broke me. Sometimes I hesitate on telling him stuff like that because I hate being spoken to like a child! Imp 26 and yes maybe I haven't made the best choices food wise but I'm really trying the best I can as far as food goes exercise is another thing. As soon as I sit at my desk Big B (my cool lead) says "Garcia" in a very caring tone and that just make cry even more! I know he wants to help but if I start talking about how upset I really am I'll be crying for a fucken hour!
This is a topic I have avoided blogging about because its so damn hard for me. I can honestly say that out of all obstacles I have had in my life so far my weight has definitely been the most difficult. I always start and get pumped but something emotional happens (good or bad) and I fall off the wagon. This time I really don't have that option, falling off the wagon equals pain and its just not worth it anymore.
I have been struggling with weight since I was about 8 years old, that's kind of when I started gaining weight but I didn't notice that I was bigger and in 5th grade when we all had to get weight before we promoted to middle school. I have really let my weight stop me from doing a lot of things in life. Things that I have avoided in the last 16 years because of my weight amusement parks because not fitting on a ride isn't embarrassing enough in front of all those people (yes it has happened). Getting up to serve myself seconds in public because of coarse the fat girl wants to eat more that happened at camp when I was 10 the server told me "I knew you would come for seconds." I didn't think about it much but that really hurt. And oh yes being weighed! I have improved on these in the last 4 years. Therapy has really taught e to love myself as a person. Still working on the physical.
I have become a bit more fashionable of coarse having a better paying job has helped a lot with that but it can still be hard there is way more options now compared to when I was in high school. I am more comfortable in my skin but that doesn't mean I want to stay fat. My ideal weight is about 160-180 lbs. and if that seems big or fat to you that just goes to show you that I am a big girl and yes I am working on that. I will blog about this on and off, my weight is a big part of my life. I have to be strict with myself and pick up new habits because I want to be the best me I can be inside and out and these are habits/qualities to my future children well if I even have any.
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