Welcome To The World

     Last Friday I left work after a 12 hour shift and headed over to the hospital. My friend Jay was in labor she had gotten induced couple hours before I showed up. Turns out the baby wasn't ready to come out just yet. My mother and I decided to stay after the nurse told Jay that she would be having a   C-section. I know that at  that moment she wouldn't admit it but Jay got extremely nervous and I don't blame her. I can only imagine what its like to be pregnant.
     Jay and I met the 1st week of 6th grade that will be 15 years ago this fall. Wow, it feels weird being able to even say that! We kind of just clicked from the beginning. We didn't really start a friendship until Jr. year in Human Anatomy class. I had transferred from another class and she was the only person I knew so of coarse I asked to sit next to her. That is when we really started connecting. The thing that we connecting on was divorce. We both knew how hard it was to have parents that had split. I always felt very comfortable opening up to Jay. Later in the year I don't recall exactly when Jay introduced me to Abby. That is when out little trio began. I ended up having Abby for English that year.
     Throughout the years Jay and I became great friends even referred to each other as sisters. She didn't have any siblings and  didn't have a sister. It just felt right. After her mother passed July of 2009. I had to step up and be the strong friend that Jay needed. It wasn't easy but if I had to do it all over again I would. I got a small taste of what its like to be a parent at 21. I would be worried about her, wondering if she had eaten and reminding her that a certain bill was due. I even pulled her out of bed like literally, more than once according to her. I did the best I could and what I thought would help her maybe in some ways I protected her too much but I have no clue what's its like to have a parent pass away. Whenever Jay asked me for a favor I would do it  because  knew that she is  the  type of friend that would do it for me as well. Getting up in the middle of the night to drive her home from work. Her and Abby being there for me when my mother left at 18. That's when they would pull me out of bed,  I will remain forever grateful for those things and so much more. It wasn't all perfect we had our moments and drama. We spent almost 2 years not really talking. some months back we met up for diner and just let everything out. There was tears and laughter but I really feel that we are the right path towards our friendship.
     Saturday, my mom and I walked into the room I heard that little baby cry (because he was getting his diaper changed) I felt something indescribable. This warmness over my heart and all the love and I have for Jay all at once but in a way more than that. When I got to hold him I had some tears come down my face. I guess I'm describing this from and "aunts" point of view because I see him as a nephew. When I see him I see Jay that girl that I did so many crazy thighs with. The one who would put me to sleep when I was shit faced drunk, and yes I did return that favor! I see in him all the good and the hard times his mom and I have been through together. Even through our difference's these last 2 years I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now I realize that I did back away from her because I was hurt. And I had hurt her as well, I just didn't know how to deal with it at the time. I'm glad we've been able to talk things out.  I want to continue to be in her life and her child's life . I want him to call me Tia, I want to spoil him and hold him when he cries. I'm glad that her grandma lives close to me.  I want to help her in any way I can. This is life and its happening right now.

Just Getting Started

     I know my last post was about posting a new entry every Wednesday, but unfortunately my old lap top which was  hand me down gave out.  So I bought this new one last week. It still feels weird saying that.
   In Winter of 2010 things were a bit harder, I was making $350.00 a month and that only covered my rent I was on food stamps for the 2nd time. My mother was living in Mexico. My father living with his baby momma and his 2 young sons and my brother was I jail for the 2nd time. I was living with my friend from high school, Abby and her family in a 6 bedroom house. It was never a dull moment living there. They offered me the stable home that I hadn't had since I was 13. I was alone in a very real way, away from my immediate family. That previous fall I had started attending this WIA Program at a local art center for children. I would work the receptionist desk on Wednesday's and Saturday's.  I learned simple things like answering the phone professionally to being trusted  to close after the classes ended. Tuesday's and Thursday's I would tutor regular and special needs kids. I also took a graphic design/art class with the coolest teacher ever!  I would not be where I am if it wasn't for that program. I didn't have a car so my good friend Jay and I would  walk to work which was 3 miles from home, so we could save on bus fare and buy $0.99 cheeseburgers. That would be our meal for the day. We would leave my house like 2 hours early so we would have enough time to get to work and cool down. Even thinking about it now it makes me shed a few tears. I would always tell myself, its going to be worth it everything you are going through will be worth it. Every night that I went to sleep I would thank God that I had somewhere to sleep had something to eat and that I could take care of myself.
    While working in that at center I went through my 1st heartache. Looking back now that was nothing. Months after that I started dating my 1st boyfriend El Vaquero. I also accomplished a lot while in this program I got my license, GED and I met Yasmin my current therapist.
    So when I was able to buy myself this laptop and I was setting it up. I stopped and looked back for a second it made me cry kind of how I am now. I truly feel that I have come so far from where I was. I appreciate everything I'm learning along the way because you never stop learning. I know I don't have much but everything I have I have worked for and I am only getting started.
     I start college next month. I always knew I wanted to go to school have a job I just didn't know how to get started. It hasn't been easy but I know that I'm on my way. Not going to lie I kind of always envied people that still live with both their parents and had to only worry about going to school. But maybe that's not the path I'm suppose to follow. I do know that I don't want my future children to worry about not having enough money to pay the rent, money for food or having to worry about always locking your door before you change in your room because of the peeping tom in the back of the house. Having nightmare about it all the time. Which was always kind of a joke to my father and trust me It wasn't very funny on my end. Even through those moments I would tell myself that my kids will not go through that. everything I am doing to better my future is for them. I hope to share this blog with them one day.  Well, it's already 10 I have to sleep, working 12 hour days is very tiring. Oh! One last thing I got a kickass tattoo last week of myself we kind of, its the painting that El Terco made. When I got it I knew I wanted to get it tattooed and I finally just went for it! Picture below. Do keep in mind its not finished yet.

Blossoming

     This week has been an emotional roller coaster.. If you have me on snap chat I am sure you have asked yourself, "WTF is wrong with that girl?" I refuse to ignore my emotions and the tears that come out help me move past this current situation. Other than work being crazy busy and making me want to pick up smoking (I don't smoke).I felt like I was being dragged into my past. If you have read my older blogs you know what summer of 2014 consisted of. Needless to say that a recent event made me feel like I might get dragged back into something bad and of coarse my mind ran with it. Damn this cognitive distortion!! After I cried myself to sleep on Tuesday while praying, I went to work with a sad heart and then something happened I accepted that it was okay to feel this way. I analyzed the situation and saw the pattern that I have been following. This is the reason I love psychology! What I learn there I apply to everyday life and it helps me pull my head out of my ass in other words. Yes, it's one thing to point it put when you are not following this patter, but to be able to pull yourself from this is what strength is made of. I didn't tattoo "Through pain comes strength" on my left arm for no reason. That is also a reminder that I can get over this (even thought it has taken about 2 years now).
     After feeling empowered I look at things that make me feel better. The one thing that just helps me look at things in a different way is Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot". It just helps me realize and move past things that just really don't matter anymore. I become concentrated in the now and it gives me strength for the future and the things that I am currently working on.
      I was talking to a friend after she had seen that I had cried during my lunch. She asked me why I had been so emotional lately.  And I let her know that I wasn't suppressing my feelings as much as the previous months. More like distracting myself with not so positive activities. In the past years I have found relief in things like drinking, MEN, partying and a little of that Mary Jane. All I was doing was burying my emotions under all those things, "pretending that I was having fun". Like a lot  young adults are currently doing and I don't mean everyone. We all have different reasons for doing certain things and its okay we are all unique. We cope with things the only way we know how. It takes a very strong person not to give into the easy way of "getting over things". We follow the examples that we have seen growing up. And I like helping my friends validate themselves they way I have.
      I decided not to lie due to a certain friend. She would constantly lie about so many things. After we learned and kept catching her in lies. I would tell her "Just admit it we caught you lying, were your friends you don't have to try and impress us." She never did fess up about ever lying. After that I promised that I wouldn't lie anymore. What's really the point of lying anyways? Maybe that you aren't happy with the reality around you. In the end you just end up hurting yourself. The 2nd part of that promise has been the hardest to keep, not lying to myself. Pulling myself away from things that are no good. Separating myself from people I though I would never be able to live without has been the best thing I have done. This is how I began blogging and learning about things that I actually enjoy like Astronomy, Psychology and yes the all time favorite FEMINISM.